Blind Suffering

Twice in the past week was I given a parable about the blind.

First, in my reading of Pregnant with Hope I was reading the chapter “Answering the Why”. Why were we given this struggle of infertility? This is a great chapter overall, but I was the most struck when she used the blind man in John 9. To review in my own words, they all came upon a blind man and the disciples asked Jesus “who sinned?” to make this man blind. Was it his parents or him? Surely, someone had to be to blame for his suffering. Jesus came back with an answer that really spoke to me: “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works go God might be displayed in his life” [John 9:3]. Wow, I thought. If that is the reason I am going through this, that’s a pretty good reason. If God can use my struggle to show His power, I’ll struggle. I’ve come across this idea before from The Village Church, but now I’m seeing it with new eyes. I frequently listen to sermons from the Village Church and just when I needed it, I found several sermons on suffering/trials.

Here is a link to the ones I found most helpful for suffering:

– The God of all comfort: The varied purposes of suffering and affliction in our lives

– God’s purpose in trials

Our response to trials

Our hope in trials

Our security in trials

I highly recommend having a listen if you have time (about 30-45 min in length), they are amazing, and those aren’t even from Matt Chandler (the lead pastor) who is the best speaker I’ve ever heard…sorry for the sidebar, back on track…

Secondly, this week at church our pastor did a message around Jesus’ entering into Jerusalem and mentioned the blind men in Mark 10:46-52. Essentially, as Jesus is entering the city, it takes a blind man to see that Jesus is Lord, Son of David and calls out to him “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”, and through his faith, Jesus healed him, just because he believed. That story was an intro to the notion that sometimes we can be blind to the big picture. The main message of the sermon was not to get comfortable in the “desert”. Weather it’s infertility, job loss, death of loved ones or just a feel in of being forgotten…we all have been in deserts. Stay in that uncomfortable place of not knowing, because if you get comfortable, you don’t get out. Don’t make a homestead in the “desert” by taking control of your journey, or trying to make something happen. God puts us where we are for a reason, letting us have faith that it will end soon. “Don’t get stuck between Good Friday and Easter Sunday”.

I was thinking hmm…are you trying to tell me something? Then I realized, “Yes, of course!”, nothing is coincidence. Sometimes I feel that we “infertiles” are blind, that is our affliction, our desert. Why? Not because we are bad people or did anything wrong, but so that God can show his power through us. How awesome is that? God chose us! So how are you letting God show his power through you? Something for us all to ponder this week in whatever place we are in our journeys.



Coping better than Britney?

As I start another cycle of Clomid and am barraged with more pregnancy announcements I ask myself: how am I going to get through this? I had no idea my life would get this hard.  How am I going to deal if this continues for many more months, and years? I can’t cope anymore. The pain feels like more than I can bear and we’re only 16 months into this thing.

Then I realized, you just have to cope. (Note my usage of the word “cope” = get through). There is no alternative to coping. There are good and bad ways of coping, but nothing short of dropping dead will make me not cope. No matter how bad I feel today or how I think I just can’t handle this anymore, tomorrow I will still be battling infertility. I can’t stop it.

I saw this meme on Pinterest and it just made me laugh and totally spoke to the last few days I’d been having.




I have been doing my Bible studies each day here and here and it is helping, it really is. But as the old adage says “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I still have doubts and fears. I’m still worried about what the future holds. I still wonder: Will I ever see what my husband’s and my genes will create (I think it would be a pretty great outcome…)? I must stay strong and hold onto the belief that I will become a mother someday and even though God hasn’t promised it directly to me, he has given me the heart of a mother for a reason. Nothing is coincidence.