Over the past few days I’ve been hyper-aware of pregnancies and things that go along with it in my pity party for one. I don’t know if anyone else out there has felt this way before but I feel like in my crazy head everything pregnant women do is a condescending reminder that I’m not good enough to be among them. WARNING: I fully understand that the pregnant women and society have no intention of doing this, it is just evidence to the crazy world that exists in my head.
1. Eating for 2- I have a friend who is pregnant who we always teased because she never ate much and basically pushed food around her plate. Well now, obviously she is trying to eat more. When I’m at her house for prolonged periods of time she will go into the kitchen and make herself a little healthy snack, or have a second helping of whatever we ate for a meal, which she normally would never do. I know she’s just eating, but to me, she’s saying “I’m eating for 2 because I’m pregnant, you’re not, so you don’t get to eat for 2”. I don’t know why, but I get so irritated when I see her eating her “pregnancy snacks”.
2. Radio Ads- There is one radio ad that plays here about storing cord blood. It plays several times per day and I always hear it a couple time per week depending on how often I’m in the car. The ad has soft lullaby music in the background and a gentle mother-ease voice that says “You’re pregnant! This is the best news in the world…you have an amazing journey in front of you..” Then goes on to tell parents to think ahead and save cord blood for the future. It’s just the opening line that makes me want to throw up. In my crazy head the ad is saying “being pregnant is be the best thing in the world for a woman to do. But you’re not good enough to get to experience that…”
3. Pregnancy clothes- All the pregnant women around town are dressed in such cute ways, accentuating their bumps. I feel like they’re all saying “look at me, I have a cute belly and you don’t”. I just have this little pudge that I could pretend was a bump if I wore the right clothes?
4. Church seats- We go to the 9am service at church. There are always a lot of kids at the service. There is a naturally segregated seat section where parents sit because it is closest to the door to take them to children’s church and to be found if meltdowns happen. We used to sit over there because our friends sat over there. Lately, I can’t do it, so we sit on the other side of the church. That is where couples without kids, singles or “other” tend to sit, we feel safe over there. There is an infertility group at my church and I notice a lot of them sit there as well. Last week when we went to our usual place, there were 3 pregnant women sitting all around me, some with children already, one with like a 6 month old! With the week I’ve had? Come on! Do you really have to invade our child-free section and gloat about how glowing you are and the miracle growing inside you? Of course then it’s hard to pay attention at church when you have the one thing in your life standing between between you and God, literally standing between you and the speaker? Maybe we need to switch services…
Again, I know these people/things aren’t actually doing anything on purpose and I’m being irrational. I am just feeling crummy lately and when I am sad about something, I’m over-sensitive, (and I know it), but I just don’t care. So maybe now that I’ve got all the little things that bother me down on paper, they won’t bother me anymore?? Maybe? It’s worth a shot.