Why I am glad buffer my pregnancy talk with infertility talk

Ok. It’s been a while, I know. I reduced my hours to 3 days a week so now am hoping to get back to writing more. Let’s skip the guilty excuses and just move on. 🙂

I mentioned a while ago that I felt the need to clarify to everyone I told about being pregnant, that it was hard for us and that we ended up doing some fertility treatments to get there. I thought maybe I was being a bit over zealous and that people didn’t really need to know that, but now I am glad I did. Now that everyone knows (or can tell) I’ve got a baby on board, I still will mention it when people start trying to get me to complain about being pregnant (“how uncomfortable are you?”, “are you starting to have sleepless night?”).

A few weeks ago I hear a knock on my door at work and my colleague came in and asked if I had a few minutes, I said yes, and then she came in, closed the door, and started crying.  She told me about how scared she is to start doing fertility treatments and taking drugs with scary side effects. She is 36, and recently married, and had previously told me they were going to start trying and because of her age, had asked me a few basic questions about the fertility clinic I went to and what we did, etc as she was worried.

This was last summer and I didn’t really want to ask any follow up questions other than generic “how are things?” because I knew how it felt when after several months, relatives and friends would ask for “any updates” and I had nothing to give. It made me feel cruddy, like they were thinking “its been 4 months since we last talked about fertility stuff—shouldn’t you have an update by now??” If I had an update I wanted to share, I would have. And if she had good news, wanted her to be able to share it on her time, and not feel pressure.

So when she came to my office, and opened up, it made me so glad that I had put myself out there. Does she have anyone else she can talk to about this? What if I was the only person in her life who opened up about fertility? What if I hadn’t? She would be stressing by herself, feeling like she was the only person who experienced all the crazy feelings/emotions that we all know so well: jealousy, anger, fear, resentment, husband thinking you’re being irrational… to name a few

I told her the shot isn’t that bad, the HSG is no big, that I never even read the side effects page of all the medications (ignorance is bliss…) and a gave her big hug. That was it. She left and then the rest of the day, we acted like it never happened, I continue to not ask her for details and hope that someday soon I hear about an upcoming maternity leave for her.

So if any of you are wondering if you should tell people about your struggles (past or present), know that even if one person hears it who needed to hear it, it was worth it.

x Tally

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What the What?

Well, my life has been pretty cray cray lately. I was offered the job I applied for back in June and I start next Monday. I wasn’t offered until last Thursday so that is a pretty quick turn around to get all the paperwork and background stuff done that is required when working for a large hospital system. If any of you work in healthcare (or probably any other career other than cat-sitting), you know what I mean. So my blogging, will likely become a little more sporadic, but I really hope to keep posting once a week.

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And to top that all off I was notified last week that my blog was nominated  for the 2014 Hope Award for Best Blog.

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What?? I just submitted my entry for the NIAW: Resolve to know more to join the club and try to get a few more friends to share my journey with via the website. That has always been my goal of this blog from the get-go: to connect with others to make this isolating situation less isolating. Each time someone “follows” my blog or “likes” a post I seriously feel a personal connection to you.  It tells me “hey, you either get what I’m feeling, or want to go on this journey with me”, which is wonderful!

The only thing I can say is how amazing God is and how He has blessed me immensely this month. After having so many things go wrong, some things are starting to go right. I am so honored that people read my blog and thought it was something other people struggling with fertility issues or who have a heart for that should read. Wow.

So if you like my blog, feel free to vote and follow me, and if you like someone else’s better once you get there, vote for them and start following them too.  You’ll get to make a new “friend”, because isn’t that really why we blog about our journeys in the first place?

Blessings,

Tally

The Fertility Plan: Book Review

The Fertility Plan:

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I got this book when I was at the library, just perusing the infertility section, as you do, and thought it would be an interesting read, which it was!

Being a non-novice in the natural fertility world, I skipped some of the introductions and the like because I knew a lot of what they were going to say. But I read most of the book.

There were a lot of parallels between this book and The Infertility Cure, if you just imagine one is from the Traditional Chinese Medicine approach and the other from a  traditional “natural” approach. So there was less talk of Kidney Yang and balancing energies, and more talk of “Tired types” and balancing hormones.

I found this book very easy to navigate and understand. As I said, I’ve done extensive research into natural fertility approaches during my time with my naturopath and acupuncturist last year, so this book was pretty much what I expected, and if anything, reaffirmed that they are on to something as my “types” were very similar between the 2 approaches, even though I’m and “unexplained infertile”.

I highly recommend this book just to give you an idea about how you can make small lifestyle changes to increase your general health and subsequently your fertility.

To get personal, I fell into the “Tired” type pretty significantly (39pts) and the “Stuck” category less, but still substantial (31pts). The main symptoms I had were:

Tired- Feeling cold all the time, particularly my hands and feet; sleeping a lot and feeling tired when I’m awake; craving carbs; bruising easily; digestive issues including (TMI) loose stools, gas and abdominal pain; frequent urination; prone to low back pain and spotting before my period

Stuck- Irritability/overly critical; being stressed out, sighing a lot; nervous stomach/frequent nausea; tender breasts before period; other PMS symptoms; painful periods

 

So because of that, my main points of change for the next 3 months will be:

1)    Eating foods that are slightly warm and easy to digest like soups and stews. Include complex carbs, whole grains, lightly cooked vegetables like pumpkin, mushrooms, and celery and kidney beans, adzuki beans and lentils. Cook with garlic!

2)    Avoid dairy, wheat and sugars (this will be in moderation—don’t want to completely eliminate)

3)    Aim for regular moderate exercise. Walking, swimming, biking, aerobics. Nothing too strenuous. I’ll probably stick mostly to walking.

4)    Conserve energy and keep warm. Take warm baths (don’t mind if I do—my favorite thing ever!!) woman-in-bubble-bath

I’m not into completely living by a specific diet, but am all about making good choices as part of my cooking/eating plan. I will be using this as a reference when deciding what I should make and will make an extra effort to stay warm!

My final thoughts: A great book to use as part of your repertoire to boost your health and life to support growing eggs and hopefully a baby!

 

xTally

What is going on?1?

So since last posting, my life has gone crazy! That is why it’s taken me 4 days to post about my IUI.

Wednesday morning I left my house for a visit to my parents in Iowa. They are moving soon so I came down to help them go through some stuff. Thursday morning I was to drive back to Minneapolis, get a quick bikini wax (been forgetting for over a week so needed to get it done before the weekend!) then it would be off to the Center for Reproductive Medicine for my very first IUI.

I get home at 10:30 for a quick 30 min unloading of the car (we had out Subaru packed with my stuff from my parent’s), and then it would be off for my adventures. I walk downstairs to turn a fan on to air out the house and *squish*. Our basement was flooded. What?!? Literally hours before my IUI and our brand new basement is flooded.

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Thursday’s schedule was packed tight included dinner with friends  at our place that night. Luckily the IUI was pretty uneventful and everything went as expected. I had no discomfort or pain at all! I really enjoyed my 10 min lie down after the procedure, but I took my time and made it 15 min just to be safe 🙂 Friday morning was cleaning and getting ready for the in-law troops who were arriving at 3 for a weekend visit. I was already stressed about having the house put together for their visit, and this just made me crazy. So instead Thursday afternoon, night, Friday morning, and afternoon were spent pumping water out, squeegee-ing and moving our new unpacked basement up into the garage. Good grief!

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The cleanup         photo 3

The in-laws arrived and it was chaos until they left this afternoon. Fun, but chaos none-the-less.

Then today we discovered all our floors have to be pulled up and it would save us $1500 to do it ourselves, so we opted for that. Oh, did I mention my husband is away on business from today until Tuesday, so I have to manage all this by myself. So, I’ve been tearing up floors with my respirator on hoping this is just a test of how strong I am before I get my BFP in 2 weeks. Just making sure I don’t work too hard and get too exhausted.

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My progress so far!

I refuse to take it as a bad omen for this cycle, but choose to see it as a test as to weather I can keep my cool in tense situations. I was actually quite proud of myself for how I handled all this drama. I was able to just be thankful for what I do have and not dwell on what I’ve lost. Some people lost their homes in the floods. Others had damaged possessions. I just have to replace my floors.  Please pray for my patience and ability to get all the work done and of course for that BFP!!

xTally

100% of the shots you don’t take

Well, I’ve had a whirlwind of a month and it just keeps going. I’ve not even been back for 30 days yet and I’ve:

-Moved into a house

-Bought a new car

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Our new Subaru Outback

-Had a job interview!

-Did 59 hours of continuing education

-Flew to Dallas to spend 5 days with my cousin and her newborn

-Took clomid

-Grew 2 awesome follicles

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-Gave myself a shot

-Met up with several friends to catch up

And in the next few days:

-Our shipment from NZ will arrive Thursday

-Which also happens to be the day that our first IUI is scheduled!!

-Friday my husband’s whole family is coming to visit Minneapolis for the weekend

-Saturday we hopefully will get our new internet after changing providers and then the system “went down” on the day we were supposed to get connected!

Wow! Did you catch something in there? I went in for my day 10 scan and huzzah, I had two big follicles waiting. One was 24 something and one was 20 something, on the right and left. And my lining was good (I was so in the zone I wasn’t paying attention, but 8.4 sticks out in my head).

So in a whirl, we got scheduled and instructed for our IUI. I had to give myself my first shot and was terrified. Hubby already had tickets to the One Republic/Script/American Authors concert, so I was riding solo on this one. I was a bit nervous, so facetimed with my parents. My dad was a corpsman in the Navy so is always a rock in medical situations.

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Writing about shots makes me think of the original quote, and the reduplicated quote from Michael Scott 🙂

The biggest problem I had was getting the bubble out! There was liquid at the top, then a big air bubble and I was afraid of losing too much liquid from the needle in the process of getting rid of it. My dad kept telling me I was being a wimp J I finally did it, and it was nothing. I really didn’t feel it at all. I got a little woozy immediately after for like 10 sec, but that could have been a vasovagal response, I just had a lie down for a few minutes and felt fine.

So now I’ve just got to get through the next few days of chaos, then have some down time while I wait to hear about the job and hopefully a BFP! Both hubby and I are feeling really hopeful this month, and even if we are let down, it’s a great feeling to be hopeful! Also, my devotions have really been speaking to me lately and helping me feel secure and loved by God. Please pray for good timing and precision by the doctors/nurses for a successful IUI!

 

xTally

Busy Busy Busy, and a doctor’s appointment!

Well, I guess moving back home is harder than we thought. EVERYTHING is taking more effort and time than we planned for, so we are doing something sun up to sun down (which is a lot of time right now, 6:00am-9:00pm!) We’ve been chasing furniture, setting up bills and trying to get a job for me!

I had a job interview last week and it went really well, and to counter balance that, I was 60 hours behind in my state licensure because all my time in NZ won’t count. Soo, I’ve been doing online continuing education non-stop since Thursday. Not to mention in the midst of all that, we had our first RE appointment here in Minnesota.

We went to Center for Reproductive Medicine (CRM) in Minneapolis. I thought it was really great. The waiting area room was comfortable, and the doctor (Bruce Campbell) himself came out to greet us, rather than a nurse, which was nice. We went back into his office and it reminded me of the scene in Breaking Bad where Walt gets his cancer diagnosis. Big mahogany desk, two soft sitting chairs facing the desk and papers. He was great and just reviewed everything he knew about us from our records from NZ and reaffirmed the unexplained sub fertility diagnosis before explaining where he wants to go from here.

He told us in a comical way that if you take all of “you folk” who can’t get pregnant easily and throw them in a bucket, and do certain  things, x number will get pregnant, and you just keep going to the next cycle where x number more will. So he wants to throw as many sperm at as many eggs (within reason) to see what happens. And we are so excited to do that. Luckily (by the grace of God), despite a BFN my period was 3 days late so instead of seeing the doctor on day 5 (meaning we couldn’t do anything this month), we saw him on day 2, so we went from consult to the hooha wand to get a baseline follicle count and off we go to get clomid. As I had already resolved in my head that I wanted to move on to IUI, we were excited that things were moving so fast. I just couldn’t help but think there was a reason everything went so smoothly, including my period lining up correctly. So, I’m back to hopeful for this month. Isn’t this just a roller coaster? Happy to sad, Hopeful to hopeless back to hopeful, content and grieving, all in one day! We are like super-heros. Lability Woman, to the rescue!

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Note: This is not anatomically correct…or is it? Haha

 

When someone at risk of feeling the same emotion for more than a day- we’ll be there, when someone is really happy about their current situation, we’ll be there, when on the brink of despair, we’ll be there to change your mood instantly!

So, now I’m on C again (I like that name better, makes me fell tougher, like I’m on street drugs) and will wait and see how this cycle rolls out. I’m actually not feeling too nervous, because I feel like even though it’s my first IUI, I know the gist, have already done the meds and have read about so many others that I feel like I’ve done it before. I am a bit nervous for the trigger shot, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there in 7-12 days!

I’m praying for all of you out there!

xTally

Trusting God

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Today at church our new pastor’s wife spoke. Honestly, at first I was a bit disappointed. I thought, “oh bummer, on our last day at St. Paul’s we’ll have to listen to her tell us about herself instead of a sermon…” Well, I was pleasantly surprised.

Right out of the get go, she explained that although she was “Christian” her whole life, she didn’t really have a need for God until she was 32. [My mind instantly thinks, 32 is about the age where people either have kids/find out they can’t have kids. She either is going to complain about how hard it is to be a mom or tell us she struggled to conceive.] She then explained how she had control and anger issues [hello, its like looking in a mirror] and that she was always able to make her will be done rather than His. She just worked harder and her will always happened. She didn’t trust that God would make anything in her life happen, so she had to make what she wanted happen [pretty much sums up my life until now].

Until she was diagnosed with…pregnant pause…infertility. [Oh my gosh, this is so great that this beautiful, poised wife of a handsome pastor has the same thing I do and struggled in the same way I’m struggling now]. She said she didn’t want to go into details, and that story is meant for another time and place, but just that through prayer with others about her struggle, people kept telling her that God wants her to let go of control–and that made her angry. She continued to pray with people and feel that she needed to let go of her plans and trust that God has a plan for her and as is said in The Lord’s Prayer “YOUR kingdom come, YOUR will be done.” She felt that God wanted to her work on that during her time of pain/depression/anxiety and everything that else that goes along with infertility.

This really resonated with me because I had prayed that exact prayer before with the exact intentions. I was trying to ask for Him to change my heart to want his wants and that I really wanted His will to be done, and not think my will was more important or better. I thankfully have not battled depression or anxiety, but simply have moments of extreme sadness, fearfulness and anxiousness—and that is so hard, I can’t imagine actually having battling them full force.

Her whole talk just really gave me hope that I can trust God. After 6 1/2 years of infertility, she was finally blessed with a child, and then 2 more! She was finally able to trust God and let go of her need to control situations. But if I’m being honest with myself, that is the biggest hurdle I face right now in my Christian walk. I am AFRAID to trust God. I am AFRAID that if I trust Him fully, He might have plans for me that don’t involve having a baby and that would crush me.

So there. I’m a scaredy cat.

Please pray that I can continue to get closer to God and believe that I can full put my trust in Him that He will write us a happy story.

Blessings,

Tally