Is Facebook out to get me?

So today is CD1 (I think. I get confused as to whether it is the first day you flow, or the first day you wake up flowing–I’ve been told both. Regardless…). Yesterday AF came to visit and it was a really hard day. Both hubby and I had good feelings about this last cycle and I was really let down. I was starting my usual mourning routines of crying, lying in bed, reading infertility blogs and convincing myself I will never get pregnant because I’m broken and my FSH is too high according to all those reliable sources on Google…

I fought with my hubby and just all around was not “the picture of grace” that I try to be most other times. Then, I went to bed, apologized and woke up feeling better. Well, as good as you can feel as your uterus painfully sheds any chance for you to be a mommy for another month.

I didn’t feel up for church (45 min of standing, then 45 min of sitting on uncomfortable chairs) because I get pretty significant joint pain in my whole pelvic girdle during this time of the month and would not make it. So we opted to listen to an online sermon this morning from The Village Church. What was it about? Abortion and the Sanctity of Life Created. Nothing wrong with that and praise God that people are talking about it. But, it included a large portion of time detailing a baby’s growing milestones and how God-filled conception is. Amen. But not really what I needed to hear right now…I know how glorious a baby in the womb is. I just can’t get there, I ache to be there. I had to leave the room and go do laundry and such to keep my mind busy.

Then as I was able to come back to listen to the end of it, I saw a new email in my inbox on my mail app. What was it you ask? This

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Facebook decided to personally email me that a girl I went to college with was having a baby, just in case I missed it. This is not a close friend. She is a very nice girl, and I’m so happy she gets to have a family, but why did Facebook think I needed to know about that? To back it up a bit and set the scene, I stopped going on Facebook about 3 months ago. It was just getting too hard when my news feed was full of baby bumps, babies, questions about babies and mom complaining about babies. I had my husband go in and change my password and set it up so if someone sent me a message or wrote on my wall, I could reply, but that was it. No browsing, no posting. Since then, Facebook has tried it’s hardest to get me back online. I get emails all the time from Facebook telling me about everything I missed (Xena’s big dinner last night and Betty’s trip to the Zoo…sorry not news to me). I usually just delete these email and don’t think twice. But really? REALLY? Facebook.You picked today to email me a pregnancy announcement. Poor form. Instead of luring me back, you pushed me almost completely out. I’m not ready to delete my account yet (#militarybrat, #movedallover, #havefriendsineverycontinentthatI’dliketohavecontactinfoforincaseoftravel!), but you’re pushing me to the edge.

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I don’t actually use twitter, but like the way hashtags look…

So, what is this all about?Is Mark Zuckerberg out to get me for not buying Facebook stock? Is it the devil taunting me, trying to get me to doubt God for putting me through this trial? Or is it a message from God that his plan is for me to have a baby, so relax and enjoy? Or is it just one of those coincidences in life where you can’t say anything but “Why the face?!?”

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Body Image Part I: My Physical Effects of Wacky Hormones

One of the biggest changes I’ve felt since not being on birth control has been changes in my skin. Many of you out there may have experienced other hormone-related physical changes (weight gain, hair growth…) since coming off BCP, but my cross to bear has been pervasive acne. Now this isn’t what some people refer to as “acne” when they get a few blemishes and think the world is going to end. This is serious, cystic, painful acne all over cheeks, chin and even lips. I’d had “acne” in the past, but I always sought out medical treatment (retin-a, antibiotics, other oral drugs I don’t even remember…) when it “blew up”, but this time, when trying to conceive, there have been no options.

For a while I tried treating it with my own home remedies to balance my hormones/clear acne. I completely cut added sugar out of my diet for 10 weeks (am still only having limited); I took apple cider vinegar every day; I took maca powder; I did the “oil cleanse” for 8 weeks…nothing was working! I kept getting horrible pimples and with very fair and sensitive skin, I ended up getting really bad scars. WARNING: These are never before seen photos–I’m quite embarrassed about my skin and rarely let anyone see my true skin! Only my family and a few close friends have seen me without makeup in the past year. I even wear concealer to the beach! On the right is obviously me now, with the scarring. I wasn’t thinking about taking close up pictures of my skin before I had trouble with it, so this is the best I have for a “before” picture showing the same cheek. Can you imagine going from this to that along with the shame/frustration of infertility?

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I have been seeing a naturopath for fertility, so when I mentioned to her how much the acne bothered me, she offered Traumeel and cutis compositum tablets to help with inflammation from within. Around that same time, I also started using a “Mia” face brush and “Fresh” brand cleanser. It was expensive, but I liked the way it felt.  After 8 weeks on the supplements and new, gentle face wash my acne had gotten a bit better. I then transitioned from oral medications to Traumeel cream that I applied twice per day as it was a lot cheaper than all the oral meds. I couldn’t afford the expensive face wash, so I transitioned to Neutrogena Ultra Gentle  face wash. My skin has been fairly break-out free for a little over a month, but the scars are still ever present, reminding me every time I look in the mirror that I have hormone problems and can’t get pregnant. All in all, my skin has been bad for almost a year now (the acne didn’t start until I’d been off the pill for several months). I’m now starting to investigate what I can do to help lighten the scars until I’m able to do laser surgery (after I’m done have kids, or when we stop trying for good).

So there is the background of my physical change since my wacky hormones have taken over my body. Stay tuned for the next installment of how these physical changes affected my self-esteem and emotions.

I am really scared to publish the post because of the pictures, but I guess you have to be BRAVE! So here goes noth….