I follow some Christian/infertility/adoption blogs because adoption is always something my husband and I have talked about (even before the big “I”). I really like following these because I find them to be educational, inspiring and uplifting. These ladies really know how to get after my heart. When I’m feeling bad about myself, one of their posts about something they’re doing or going through will come into my inbox and make me say “Ok, Tally, now what are you going to do in response to your circumstances, cry about it?” Well yes, sometimes [read: “a lot of the time”], I cry in response to my circumstances. But I can also believe in God’s plan for me.
Today is one of those days. Its not CD1 yet, but it might as well be. Every month these couple of days of spotting before CD1 makes me deflated. I can’t think of a better word. I feel as though someone has let the air out of me. I tell myself, it could still happen this month, it’s just a little spotting, then as it gets heavier, I question “Why me?”, and “How is my journey to parenthood going to turn out?”, “What did I do wrong this month?”
Some of the blogs I follow are doing this thing “Hello, my name is” where they throw away the names they’ve given themselves, or society has given them and re-name themselves their true names as one belonging to Christ. Today I’m tossing away jealous, awkward at conversations about babies, lonely, forgotten and unfulfilled…
I am chosen by God to fulfill His plan. I don’t know what that is, or when I’ll know, but I sit in the peace knowing that someday I will discover what I have been chosen for. Perhaps it’s to give birth to many children, or none. Perhaps it’s to be a mother in another way. Perhaps it’s to do something I can’t even imagine right now. He planned for me to go through a very hard year of infertility and loss of loved ones, He planned for me to dig deeper into His word, He chose me to walk this path for a reason.
What a way to start 2014, huh? To believe that I was chosen by God for something. Makes you feel pretty special, like the coolest kid in class wants you to be on his team. You can’t complain about playing right field when you wanted to be 1st base–you’re still chosen to be on the winning team!!
I don’t know if they got inspiration for this from this song, but reading their blogs makes me think of this song, which I love!! So maybe have a listen if you haven’t heard it, or if you have.