You may remember when I posted about jealousy issues I had, and how I prayed about them, then they went away. This was about a month or so ago. Everyone noticed that I was really doing well. I was smiling all the time, and saying upbeat things. A friend even told me she pointed out to her husband how she noticed a big change in me and was so proud of how well I was doing despite my struggles. I was doing great.
Well from then to now, life happened and I am no longer the beacon of hope that I was. 4 pregnancy announcements, 1 period, 1 birth announcement, 3 failed attempts to “seal the deal” and several insensitive comments later, I’m feeling bitter. I’ve lost my mojo and I want it back. I liked being happy. I don’t like crying every day. I liked feeling footloose and fancy free. I don’t like feeling like the world is passing me by while I wait.
I know how to get my mojo back: prayer. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to. (Disclaimer: remember in my “about me” section where I said I was going to be honest in this blog, well here it is). I’m feeing disconnected from God and don’t want to pray. I want to be stubborn and angry. I’ve asked for God to talk to me and tell me what His plans are- Does He want us to pursue adoption rather than fertility treatments? Does He promise me I’m going to have a child so I can stop worrying? Something Else? Anything? Nothing. I’ve been praying so hard for God to give me a sign so I can understand His plan and I’ve got radio silence over here. I’m feeling lost. I don’t know where I am supposed to be going. I feel forgotten. I’m questioning, does He even have a plan for me? Or am I just that extra human who he didn’t account for when allocating “plans” so I’m just left out here in the wilderness?
I know I’ll get back on track at some point, start praying again and be my happy self again, but I don’t know when. I feel bad for those around me because I know they can feel my funk and it rubs off on them. So can I ask you something? Can you pray for me until I can pray again? Pray that I get my mojo back. (and a BFP wouldn’t hurt…)