It’s Starting…

Mother’s Day is a little more than a week away and the cultural assault on non-mothers via newspapers, internet, TV, billboard and store marketing has started.

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To be honest, some of the ads don’t bother me. I love my mom so it’s great to thank her. Ads that show adult children loving on their moms is heartwarming. What I don’t like is the ads that make it seem that motherhood and giving birth is the epitome of a great woman and the best thing a woman can ever do. The ones where the whole world  is rejoicing that she is pregnant or has a new born, and that because she is now a mom, she really has climbed the ladder of societal acclaim. So therefore, if you aren’t a mom, you mean nothing to society. Ouch.

And to top it off, I’ll be staying with a first time mom for mother’s day weekend in Melbourne. Hopefully since they know what we’re going through they won’t make a big fuss of it in front of us, but on the other hand, they don’t know how all the little things can sting so they might unknowingly say and do things that will hurt me. Good thing I’ve got Jesus to hold on to.

I think it’s no coincidence that twice today this scripture was given to me. Once by a Salvation Army donation collector and once in my email via the Amazima newsletter. The Salvation Army in the US would NEVER be allowed to hand out bible verses to people who put money in the bucket! So this is the verse I will meditate on this Mother’s Day season.

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I wish you all strength in these next few weeks to endure the suffering and sadness.

xxTally

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Coping better than Britney?

As I start another cycle of Clomid and am barraged with more pregnancy announcements I ask myself: how am I going to get through this? I had no idea my life would get this hard.  How am I going to deal if this continues for many more months, and years? I can’t cope anymore. The pain feels like more than I can bear and we’re only 16 months into this thing.

Then I realized, you just have to cope. (Note my usage of the word “cope” = get through). There is no alternative to coping. There are good and bad ways of coping, but nothing short of dropping dead will make me not cope. No matter how bad I feel today or how I think I just can’t handle this anymore, tomorrow I will still be battling infertility. I can’t stop it.

I saw this meme on Pinterest and it just made me laugh and totally spoke to the last few days I’d been having.

 

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Truth.

I have been doing my Bible studies each day here and here and it is helping, it really is. But as the old adage says “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I still have doubts and fears. I’m still worried about what the future holds. I still wonder: Will I ever see what my husband’s and my genes will create (I think it would be a pretty great outcome…)? I must stay strong and hold onto the belief that I will become a mother someday and even though God hasn’t promised it directly to me, he has given me the heart of a mother for a reason. Nothing is coincidence.

The Little Things

Over the past few days I’ve been hyper-aware of pregnancies and things that go along with it in my pity party for one. I don’t know if anyone else out there has felt this way before but I feel like in my crazy head everything pregnant women do is a condescending reminder that I’m not good enough to be among them. WARNING: I fully understand that the pregnant women and society have no intention of doing this, it is just evidence to the crazy world that exists in my head.

1. Eating for 2- I have a friend who is pregnant who we always teased because she never ate much and basically pushed food around her plate. Well now, obviously she is trying to eat more. When I’m at her house for prolonged periods of time she will go into the kitchen and make herself a little healthy snack, or have a second helping of whatever we ate for a meal, which she normally would never do. I know she’s just eating, but to me, she’s saying “I’m eating for 2 because I’m pregnant, you’re not, so you don’t get to eat for 2”. I don’t know why, but I get so irritated when I see her eating her “pregnancy snacks”.

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2. Radio Ads- There is one radio ad that plays here about storing cord blood. It plays several times per day and I always hear it a couple time per week depending on how often I’m in the car. The ad has soft lullaby music in the background and a gentle mother-ease voice that says “You’re pregnant! This is the best news in the world…you have an amazing journey in front of you..” Then goes on to tell parents to think ahead and save cord blood for the future. It’s just the opening line that makes me want to throw up. In my crazy head the ad is saying “being pregnant is  be the best thing in the world for a woman to do. But you’re not good enough to get to experience that…”

3. Pregnancy clothes- All the pregnant women around town are dressed in such cute ways, accentuating their bumps. I feel like they’re all saying “look at me, I have a cute belly and you don’t”. I just have this little pudge that I could pretend was a bump if I wore the right clothes?

4. Church seats- We go to the 9am service at church. There are always a lot of kids at the service. There is a naturally segregated seat section where parents sit because it is closest to the door to take them to children’s church and to be found if meltdowns happen. We used to sit over there because our friends sat over there. Lately, I can’t do it, so we sit on the other side of the church. That is where couples without kids, singles or “other” tend to sit, we feel safe over there. There is an infertility group at my church and I notice a lot of them sit there as well. Last week when we went to our usual place, there were 3 pregnant women sitting all around me, some with children already, one with like a 6 month old! With the week I’ve had? Come on! Do you really have to invade our child-free section and gloat about how glowing you are and the miracle growing inside you? Of course then it’s hard to pay attention at church when you have the one thing in your life standing between between you and God, literally standing between you and the speaker? Maybe we need to switch services…

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Note: This is actually a photo of our church and where we sit!

Again, I know these people/things aren’t actually doing anything on purpose and I’m being irrational. I am just feeling crummy lately and when I am sad about something, I’m over-sensitive, (and I know it), but I just don’t care. So maybe now that I’ve got all the little things that bother me down on paper, they won’t bother me anymore?? Maybe? It’s worth a shot.

Blessings,

Tally

Is Facebook out to get me?

So today is CD1 (I think. I get confused as to whether it is the first day you flow, or the first day you wake up flowing–I’ve been told both. Regardless…). Yesterday AF came to visit and it was a really hard day. Both hubby and I had good feelings about this last cycle and I was really let down. I was starting my usual mourning routines of crying, lying in bed, reading infertility blogs and convincing myself I will never get pregnant because I’m broken and my FSH is too high according to all those reliable sources on Google…

I fought with my hubby and just all around was not “the picture of grace” that I try to be most other times. Then, I went to bed, apologized and woke up feeling better. Well, as good as you can feel as your uterus painfully sheds any chance for you to be a mommy for another month.

I didn’t feel up for church (45 min of standing, then 45 min of sitting on uncomfortable chairs) because I get pretty significant joint pain in my whole pelvic girdle during this time of the month and would not make it. So we opted to listen to an online sermon this morning from The Village Church. What was it about? Abortion and the Sanctity of Life Created. Nothing wrong with that and praise God that people are talking about it. But, it included a large portion of time detailing a baby’s growing milestones and how God-filled conception is. Amen. But not really what I needed to hear right now…I know how glorious a baby in the womb is. I just can’t get there, I ache to be there. I had to leave the room and go do laundry and such to keep my mind busy.

Then as I was able to come back to listen to the end of it, I saw a new email in my inbox on my mail app. What was it you ask? This

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Facebook decided to personally email me that a girl I went to college with was having a baby, just in case I missed it. This is not a close friend. She is a very nice girl, and I’m so happy she gets to have a family, but why did Facebook think I needed to know about that? To back it up a bit and set the scene, I stopped going on Facebook about 3 months ago. It was just getting too hard when my news feed was full of baby bumps, babies, questions about babies and mom complaining about babies. I had my husband go in and change my password and set it up so if someone sent me a message or wrote on my wall, I could reply, but that was it. No browsing, no posting. Since then, Facebook has tried it’s hardest to get me back online. I get emails all the time from Facebook telling me about everything I missed (Xena’s big dinner last night and Betty’s trip to the Zoo…sorry not news to me). I usually just delete these email and don’t think twice. But really? REALLY? Facebook.You picked today to email me a pregnancy announcement. Poor form. Instead of luring me back, you pushed me almost completely out. I’m not ready to delete my account yet (#militarybrat, #movedallover, #havefriendsineverycontinentthatI’dliketohavecontactinfoforincaseoftravel!), but you’re pushing me to the edge.

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I don’t actually use twitter, but like the way hashtags look…

So, what is this all about?Is Mark Zuckerberg out to get me for not buying Facebook stock? Is it the devil taunting me, trying to get me to doubt God for putting me through this trial? Or is it a message from God that his plan is for me to have a baby, so relax and enjoy? Or is it just one of those coincidences in life where you can’t say anything but “Why the face?!?”

Relating to me

As we approached the one-year mark I noticed that I was going through a bit of a funk. As more and more people I know were getting pregnant “without even trying” I noticed I started to pull away. With each pregnancy announcement I felt more and more like crawling into a cave and not talking any more. That started a few months ago.

I found more and more that I just didn’t want to talk about things to do with my fertility, or lack there of, with friends and family–when before I actually liked talking about all the details with my mom, sister and close friends.  I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. I understand that it is probably very confusing for my loved ones (just last month I was talking all about my cervical mucous), but that is just how I felt. Sometimes I’ll talk to you about it, other times if you ask me how it’s going I just want to shake you, sorry. It can vary within the hour.

I’d seriously contemplated actually avoiding pregnant people for a while, just to help myself get through the holidays and the next few months of transitioning from having difficulty conceiving to the big “I” word.  I know it is important to guard your heart– sometimes it can only be done by imperfect means. At the time my husband told me that I shouldn’t do that. He told me that I was “crazy” for thinking that was the solution to my problems. I think he had good intentions in saying that, but you can only imagine how I reacted to that!

Now that the holidays are over, I realized that I got through them. I didn’t avoid the people I was hoping to avoid (I guess I forgot to?), but it all worked out anyways. I am actually starting to come through my funk a bit (the blog is helping) and am starting to be able to talk to people who previously I hoped didn’t call me or email to catch up. As you saw in my last post, I actually started praying for those who are recently pregnant and trying to become pregnant.

Infertility can be incredibly odd time where you are surrounded by people, but still feel lonely. The quote from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner comes to mind: “water, water, everywhere,  nor any drop to drink”. You can have people all around you- husband, friends, family, but still feel as though you are all alone in the world. You feel like nobody understands your pain. Their “I can relate story” of something hard they went through feels like a slap in the face compared to the longing pain you’ve been going through every day of the past year.

This feeling is one of the reasons I started reading infertility blogs and later started my own–to feel like there is a community of people out there just like me, with feelings just like mine, no matter how crazy or unfounded they may seem. I’m just getting started in this blogging thing, so hopefully I’ll continue to ‘meet’ people I can relate to!

xoTally