Today at church our new pastor’s wife spoke. Honestly, at first I was a bit disappointed. I thought, “oh bummer, on our last day at St. Paul’s we’ll have to listen to her tell us about herself instead of a sermon…” Well, I was pleasantly surprised.
Right out of the get go, she explained that although she was “Christian” her whole life, she didn’t really have a need for God until she was 32. [My mind instantly thinks, 32 is about the age where people either have kids/find out they can’t have kids. She either is going to complain about how hard it is to be a mom or tell us she struggled to conceive.] She then explained how she had control and anger issues [hello, its like looking in a mirror] and that she was always able to make her will be done rather than His. She just worked harder and her will always happened. She didn’t trust that God would make anything in her life happen, so she had to make what she wanted happen [pretty much sums up my life until now].
Until she was diagnosed with…pregnant pause…infertility. [Oh my gosh, this is so great that this beautiful, poised wife of a handsome pastor has the same thing I do and struggled in the same way I’m struggling now]. She said she didn’t want to go into details, and that story is meant for another time and place, but just that through prayer with others about her struggle, people kept telling her that God wants her to let go of control–and that made her angry. She continued to pray with people and feel that she needed to let go of her plans and trust that God has a plan for her and as is said in The Lord’s Prayer “YOUR kingdom come, YOUR will be done.” She felt that God wanted to her work on that during her time of pain/depression/anxiety and everything that else that goes along with infertility.
This really resonated with me because I had prayed that exact prayer before with the exact intentions. I was trying to ask for Him to change my heart to want his wants and that I really wanted His will to be done, and not think my will was more important or better. I thankfully have not battled depression or anxiety, but simply have moments of extreme sadness, fearfulness and anxiousness—and that is so hard, I can’t imagine actually having battling them full force.
Her whole talk just really gave me hope that I can trust God. After 6 1/2 years of infertility, she was finally blessed with a child, and then 2 more! She was finally able to trust God and let go of her need to control situations. But if I’m being honest with myself, that is the biggest hurdle I face right now in my Christian walk. I am AFRAID to trust God. I am AFRAID that if I trust Him fully, He might have plans for me that don’t involve having a baby and that would crush me.
So there. I’m a scaredy cat.
Please pray that I can continue to get closer to God and believe that I can full put my trust in Him that He will write us a happy story.