Hurry up and Wait

Well, we are in the 2ww again. This time, we are leaving for a month long vacation pretty much the day we find out, which will either be a fun way to celebrate, or a nice consolation prize. We are having 2 weeks in Aus on our way back to US, then have 2 weeks off with the family in Iowa/Chicago before moving into our new house!

This month I was more hopeful as I had a nice big follicle “ready to pop” per the MD who did the scan. Problems with perfectly timed intercourse have made me slightly less hopeful, but hey, God can do miracles and sperm can be super patient 🙂 We have decided that maybe it’s time to start considering IUI when we get home, since timing has been one of our biggest downfalls from the beginning. I hate going through all the side effects and costs of a Clomid monitored cycles to miss the window. Hubby is not super keen on the idea, but admits logistically it would cause less stress on both of us. We’re praying about the next steps now–feel free to add us to your prayer list!

My side effects were a little different to last month, but a lot the same. I had the same very mild headache and cramping while taking the pill, but then also had major hot flashes after, which have since subsided. The worst stuff this month has been horrible cramping, bloating and nausea since stopping the pill. Like, stop what your doing and lie on the floor nausea. It’s never lasted too long, but of course when you are out with friends and instantly get a wave of nausea that is apparent on your face what do they all ask?? I think you know the answer…

We’ve moved out of our apartment and are now in hotel for 2 weeks which will be fun. Even though Will is still working, it seems like we are already on vacation. Plus, we just got a flash new rental car. Hopefully we’ll enjoy our last 2 weeks in New Zealand and not worry about the end of the 2ww.

Blessings,

Tally

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Coping better than Britney?

As I start another cycle of Clomid and am barraged with more pregnancy announcements I ask myself: how am I going to get through this? I had no idea my life would get this hard.  How am I going to deal if this continues for many more months, and years? I can’t cope anymore. The pain feels like more than I can bear and we’re only 16 months into this thing.

Then I realized, you just have to cope. (Note my usage of the word “cope” = get through). There is no alternative to coping. There are good and bad ways of coping, but nothing short of dropping dead will make me not cope. No matter how bad I feel today or how I think I just can’t handle this anymore, tomorrow I will still be battling infertility. I can’t stop it.

I saw this meme on Pinterest and it just made me laugh and totally spoke to the last few days I’d been having.

 

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Truth.

I have been doing my Bible studies each day here and here and it is helping, it really is. But as the old adage says “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I still have doubts and fears. I’m still worried about what the future holds. I still wonder: Will I ever see what my husband’s and my genes will create (I think it would be a pretty great outcome…)? I must stay strong and hold onto the belief that I will become a mother someday and even though God hasn’t promised it directly to me, he has given me the heart of a mother for a reason. Nothing is coincidence.

Keep on Dreamin’ Even if it Breaks your Heart

So Clomid cycle one was a bust.

I went in for a scan on Day 12 and they said things are growing well (I had 2 larger follicles that could ovulate and a few smaller ones), I had good uterine lining and that they wanted to see me back on Day 16 to ensure those 2 main follicles were developed and that no more did. So I went in Sunday expecting them to tell us to “get busy”, but instead, the doctor said he couldn’t find any follicles, so they either dissolved, or I already ovulated, and we missed it.

So I had to get blood work done to determine what happened. The clinic nurses tried to take me blood and she missed the vein (I have great veins). Then the lead nurse came and spent a good amount of time in my vein (as she claimed), but said no blood was coming out. She thought I was dehydrated since it was 9:00 in the morning and I said I didn’t drink much today (I believed her, but later realized I always get my blood drawn at 7:00am with no liquids in me and it’s no trouble at all). Well, after having the needle in my arm for about 1-2 minutes wiggling around, I got a little vasovagal and had to put my head between my knees-embarassing. So they sent me to the nearest lab, and they got it right away, no trouble…

All of this hassle made me already overwhelmed and sad thinking things are not going to be as easy as I thought. *Cue sobbing in the car* Later on we got the call that I had in fact ovulated, which they said they didn’t expect at all because my follicles were in her words “teeny tiny” on day 12. So, I have to wait until Friday to get a call from my doctor to discuss what happened and what the plan for next month will be.

So, I ovulate teeny eggs that can’t be fertilized. Could that be the cause of our struggle? Could this be an easy fix with treatment? The unexplained infertile in me wants to grasp at straws for a straight forward explanation.

One nurse said there is still a chance that I could have conceived this month, but another didn’t even mention it as a possibility, just that this cycle has been discontinued. So I have the choice: be realistic and not get my hopes up this cycle since science is telling me it’s not possible, or, hold on to the sliver go hope that it could be possible and risk another disappointment at the end of the month.

Today I was watching Sean’s season of The Bachelor (New Zealand is way behind in TV) and the Eli Young Band played the song “Even If It Breaks Your Heart”. I started crying because I felt like that is what I want to. The lyrics are:

Ohhh, I can hear ’em singin’,
Keep on dreamin’, even if it breaks your heart.”

So I will keep on dreamin’ that this is the month for a miracle, even if it breaks my heart.

Blessings,

Tally

Diary of a Clomid Virgin

For posterity I decided to write down a bit about my experience with Clomid.

My doctor asked us if we would be ok with multiples…uh, yeah! But said 2 is the limit, if there are 3 follicles, we can’t try this month (which would suck!) A nurse went over all the side effects I can expect and she didn’t mention psychosis, attempted suicide or other horrible things I’ve read on the internet so maybe that’s not normal? I thought the internet was always true…

I am happy to say that I really didn’t have any negative side effects. In fact, my husband claims I was happier than normal while taking it. (Disclaimer: I was also on vacation in one of the most beautiful places on earth, so that might have added to my happiness…)

Day 1- I had some mild cramping and headaches, but overall felt great. I was a bit irritable and short with others, but when on vacation with your family (read: my family), that can happen and frankly, should be expected.

Day 2- More mild headaches and cramping. Nothing to write home about, just drank lots of water and I was fine.

Day 3- Went SKYDIVING! Had one issue today that could have been Clomid related, or could have just been me. While trying to get out of a town after taking a wander in the car, we kept missing turns and getting off the grid. My husband (who is an “process before I speak” kind of guy) was supposed to be giving directions but was just not on the ball. I then pulled over, yelled at him and told him to get out and sit in the back seat and that I needed someone “more capable” to sit in the front with me. He says it was the Clomid talking, who knows…

Day 4- No side effects today.

Day 5- A bigger headache today with some pinching in the lower abdomen along with cramping. Could this mean something is starting to happen? I was feeling the pinching on both sides intermittently, but more so on the right.

Now it’s time to wait and see if 50mg was the right dosage!!

Anyone out there who took Clomid for several rounds–did you have the same side effects each time, or were they different each cycle? Hoping maybe I just won’t have bad reactions, since this first round went well, but maybe that is wishful thinking? 🙂

xTally

Update from the doc

This is an update from a few weeks ago, but just now am getting around to posting from vacation:

I finally had my follow up appointment with my doctor to review all my tests and discuss the next steps. In brief, I am now officially a UI (unexplained infertile). My egg reserve is a bit low, but not so much that it affects my ability to get pregnant each month, but may mean they would get fewer eggs if they did IVF. I was worried my low AMH meant “bad eggs”, but she said there is no way to know about egg quality until IVF is done to actually inspect them under microscope, so that makes me feel a little better! I was a little worried she was going to tell me I’ll never get pregnant with my own eggs (I am a worst case scenario person…) Every other test came back “normal”.

So… she recommended a go with Clomid, which I was expecting to be the first step.  As we were to be on vacation the next day, it’s a bit of an unorthodox first time, but she wasn’t concerned. So I took the Clomid while on vacay. You can read about my adventures with Clomid here.

So we’re giving Clomid 2 rounds while in New Zealand, and then will have to start up with a new doc in the US. Hopefully it won’t set us back too far, time wise. Anyone have any suggestions for doctors in Minneapolis?

xTally