Prayer Group

Hi everyone, I’m back! I know I haven’t been around in almost a year. To me, this blog is kind of like a diary for my experiences with fertility and not-so-fertility, so when I don’t have anything to say or am not feeling things about that topic, I don’t post. I wanted to steer clear of the feeling of obligation to write just for the sake of it, and only wanted to post when I had something to say.

So, on that note, I have something to say. After almost  years of being pregnant or having an infant, I now feel that its an appropriate time for me to start supporting others as I was supported.

After praying, talking with some friends from church and reflecting, I’ve decided to start a prayer group for those struggling with fertility difficulties. We’re starting small–inviting people I know of and asking friends to invite people they may know who would want to be prayed over. I have set very low expectations–It will for sure be me and one other girl from church–if it’s just us that will be just fine and we will pray for our friends who are struggling, but not there.

I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, but feel I’ve not been given the gift of prayer, so always shied away from actually doing it, for fear of having to pray in front of people. But I had some friends really encourage me to do it, including one who said she would be the “lead prayer… so…here I go!

If you know of anyone who lives in Minneapolis and would like to come, just send me a message–We’d love to have you! Or if you’d just like to be on our prayer list, send me a message with your details and if there is something specific you’d like prayer for.

And you if you wanted, you could pray for me, giving me the courage to do this, and the words from God to speak to people’s experiences and surround them with love!




Prayer Group

Hey all,

The Lord has really put helping/connecting with others in my same situation on my heart and I really wanted to join a prayer group for those struggling with infertility (or should I say sub-fertility because apparently that s the more correct term for those without a reason for the lack of pregnancy), but have not found anything so far. I’ve goggled all combinations of terms, but still no luck.

Is anyone aware of a prayer group that already exists in Minneapolis? There is a RESOLVE support group that I’m going to start attending, but there is a difference between a support group and a prayer group.

My other idea was the start my own prayer group. I only need 2 or 3 people to start one, but don’t know a single soul in Minneapolis going through this. And I feel like my clinic would be none to happy if I approach everyone I see in the waiting area. So if you don’t know of a prayer group in Minneapolis, do you know anyone else struggling that would want to join mine?




100% of the shots you don’t take

Well, I’ve had a whirlwind of a month and it just keeps going. I’ve not even been back for 30 days yet and I’ve:

-Moved into a house

-Bought a new car


Our new Subaru Outback

-Had a job interview!

-Did 59 hours of continuing education

-Flew to Dallas to spend 5 days with my cousin and her newborn

-Took clomid

-Grew 2 awesome follicles


-Gave myself a shot

-Met up with several friends to catch up

And in the next few days:

-Our shipment from NZ will arrive Thursday

-Which also happens to be the day that our first IUI is scheduled!!

-Friday my husband’s whole family is coming to visit Minneapolis for the weekend

-Saturday we hopefully will get our new internet after changing providers and then the system “went down” on the day we were supposed to get connected!

Wow! Did you catch something in there? I went in for my day 10 scan and huzzah, I had two big follicles waiting. One was 24 something and one was 20 something, on the right and left. And my lining was good (I was so in the zone I wasn’t paying attention, but 8.4 sticks out in my head).

So in a whirl, we got scheduled and instructed for our IUI. I had to give myself my first shot and was terrified. Hubby already had tickets to the One Republic/Script/American Authors concert, so I was riding solo on this one. I was a bit nervous, so facetimed with my parents. My dad was a corpsman in the Navy so is always a rock in medical situations.


Writing about shots makes me think of the original quote, and the reduplicated quote from Michael Scott 🙂

The biggest problem I had was getting the bubble out! There was liquid at the top, then a big air bubble and I was afraid of losing too much liquid from the needle in the process of getting rid of it. My dad kept telling me I was being a wimp J I finally did it, and it was nothing. I really didn’t feel it at all. I got a little woozy immediately after for like 10 sec, but that could have been a vasovagal response, I just had a lie down for a few minutes and felt fine.

So now I’ve just got to get through the next few days of chaos, then have some down time while I wait to hear about the job and hopefully a BFP! Both hubby and I are feeling really hopeful this month, and even if we are let down, it’s a great feeling to be hopeful! Also, my devotions have really been speaking to me lately and helping me feel secure and loved by God. Please pray for good timing and precision by the doctors/nurses for a successful IUI!



My Leap of Faith

Let me start this post out my assuring you I’m not pregnant. Far from it. But, yesterday while doing last minute shopping in New Zealand, I actually bought something for our future child. There is a store here that makes gorgeous New Zealand themed onesies and I always envisioned buying one over the past year and a half, once I got that BFP. Well, the BFP never came, but now we are leaving NZ and won’t have the chance to buy it again. So, in a moment of fully trusting God that He will bless us with a child one day, I just grabbed it off the shelf and ran to the cash register before I could change my mind.

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The subtle Kiwiana details of a sheep, fantail bird and fern. So cute!

I was feeling good until she asked me if it was a gift. “Oh no, this is for me, but I’m not pregnant so I’m just getting it for sometime in the future because I believe that God will give me a child.” “Yes”. So she wrapped it up in tissue all nicely.

I told hubby about it and he said he really liked that I did that! I was a bit nervous he would think I was dumb or getting my hopes up.

So there it is. My first leap of faith showing that I even at the times where I feel the most hopeless, I can still praise Him and act as if I already have all the gifts He is going to give me.



Trusting God

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Today at church our new pastor’s wife spoke. Honestly, at first I was a bit disappointed. I thought, “oh bummer, on our last day at St. Paul’s we’ll have to listen to her tell us about herself instead of a sermon…” Well, I was pleasantly surprised.

Right out of the get go, she explained that although she was “Christian” her whole life, she didn’t really have a need for God until she was 32. [My mind instantly thinks, 32 is about the age where people either have kids/find out they can’t have kids. She either is going to complain about how hard it is to be a mom or tell us she struggled to conceive.] She then explained how she had control and anger issues [hello, its like looking in a mirror] and that she was always able to make her will be done rather than His. She just worked harder and her will always happened. She didn’t trust that God would make anything in her life happen, so she had to make what she wanted happen [pretty much sums up my life until now].

Until she was diagnosed with…pregnant pause…infertility. [Oh my gosh, this is so great that this beautiful, poised wife of a handsome pastor has the same thing I do and struggled in the same way I’m struggling now]. She said she didn’t want to go into details, and that story is meant for another time and place, but just that through prayer with others about her struggle, people kept telling her that God wants her to let go of control–and that made her angry. She continued to pray with people and feel that she needed to let go of her plans and trust that God has a plan for her and as is said in The Lord’s Prayer “YOUR kingdom come, YOUR will be done.” She felt that God wanted to her work on that during her time of pain/depression/anxiety and everything that else that goes along with infertility.

This really resonated with me because I had prayed that exact prayer before with the exact intentions. I was trying to ask for Him to change my heart to want his wants and that I really wanted His will to be done, and not think my will was more important or better. I thankfully have not battled depression or anxiety, but simply have moments of extreme sadness, fearfulness and anxiousness—and that is so hard, I can’t imagine actually having battling them full force.

Her whole talk just really gave me hope that I can trust God. After 6 1/2 years of infertility, she was finally blessed with a child, and then 2 more! She was finally able to trust God and let go of her need to control situations. But if I’m being honest with myself, that is the biggest hurdle I face right now in my Christian walk. I am AFRAID to trust God. I am AFRAID that if I trust Him fully, He might have plans for me that don’t involve having a baby and that would crush me.

So there. I’m a scaredy cat.

Please pray that I can continue to get closer to God and believe that I can full put my trust in Him that He will write us a happy story.



Blind Suffering

Twice in the past week was I given a parable about the blind.

First, in my reading of Pregnant with Hope I was reading the chapter “Answering the Why”. Why were we given this struggle of infertility? This is a great chapter overall, but I was the most struck when she used the blind man in John 9. To review in my own words, they all came upon a blind man and the disciples asked Jesus “who sinned?” to make this man blind. Was it his parents or him? Surely, someone had to be to blame for his suffering. Jesus came back with an answer that really spoke to me: “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works go God might be displayed in his life” [John 9:3]. Wow, I thought. If that is the reason I am going through this, that’s a pretty good reason. If God can use my struggle to show His power, I’ll struggle. I’ve come across this idea before from The Village Church, but now I’m seeing it with new eyes. I frequently listen to sermons from the Village Church and just when I needed it, I found several sermons on suffering/trials.

Here is a link to the ones I found most helpful for suffering:

– The God of all comfort: The varied purposes of suffering and affliction in our lives

– God’s purpose in trials

Our response to trials

Our hope in trials

Our security in trials

I highly recommend having a listen if you have time (about 30-45 min in length), they are amazing, and those aren’t even from Matt Chandler (the lead pastor) who is the best speaker I’ve ever heard…sorry for the sidebar, back on track…

Secondly, this week at church our pastor did a message around Jesus’ entering into Jerusalem and mentioned the blind men in Mark 10:46-52. Essentially, as Jesus is entering the city, it takes a blind man to see that Jesus is Lord, Son of David and calls out to him “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”, and through his faith, Jesus healed him, just because he believed. That story was an intro to the notion that sometimes we can be blind to the big picture. The main message of the sermon was not to get comfortable in the “desert”. Weather it’s infertility, job loss, death of loved ones or just a feel in of being forgotten…we all have been in deserts. Stay in that uncomfortable place of not knowing, because if you get comfortable, you don’t get out. Don’t make a homestead in the “desert” by taking control of your journey, or trying to make something happen. God puts us where we are for a reason, letting us have faith that it will end soon. “Don’t get stuck between Good Friday and Easter Sunday”.

I was thinking hmm…are you trying to tell me something? Then I realized, “Yes, of course!”, nothing is coincidence. Sometimes I feel that we “infertiles” are blind, that is our affliction, our desert. Why? Not because we are bad people or did anything wrong, but so that God can show his power through us. How awesome is that? God chose us! So how are you letting God show his power through you? Something for us all to ponder this week in whatever place we are in our journeys.



Love Does

I didn’t do a book review in March since I was out of town, so I am ready to do one for April! While on vacation I read the book called “Love Does” by Bob Goff.


The primary message of this book can be summed up in the final sentences of the introduction:

I reflect on God, who didn’t choose someone else to express His creative presence to the world, who didn’t tap the rock star or the popular kid to get things done. He chose you and me. We are the means, the method, the object, and the delivery vehicles. If you can shred on a Fender, or won ‘Best Personality’, you’re not disqualified–it just doesn’t make you more qualified. You see, God usually chooses ordinary people like us to get things done.

…we need to stop plotting the course and instead just land the plane on our plans to make a difference by the getting to the ‘do’ part of faith. That’s because love is never stationary. In the end, love doesn’t just keep thinking about it or keep planning for it. Simply put: love does.”

In the book, Bob goes through stories of how the experiences in his life (both things that happened to him and things he made happen) illustrate that love does. He shows that us everyday, ordinary people with no platform can do God’s work every day.

The first story of how a Christian youth worker just hopped in a van to go out West with Bob to help him get set up after he decided to drop out of high school. He didn’t just quote scripture or give him a lecture on why this was a bad idea. He simply showed Bob that he was with him and personified Jesus’ call to love people. It made Bob wonder, as a non-Christian, if all Christians were like this. Wouldn’t that be great if we could do things in our lives that made people think “Wow these Christians really know how to love people”? Even strangers?

The book follows with several other stories that warm your heart. I highly recommend this book for a motivator to stop talking the talk and walk the walk. And you know what? It feels great.

I have recently been on the receiving end of Christian love. A few weeks ago I blogged about being in a spiritual rut and that I was feeling alone in my journey of infertility. A fellow blogger asked for my address and said she wanted to send me a devotional that she liked. I told her I lived in New Zealand, which would be ridiculous shipping so she could just ship to my sister in Chicago whom I’d see at the end of May. She told me no, she wants it to get to me now, when I need it.

Fast forward to yesterday around 5:00 a courier knocks on my door and I see a box.

photo 1 copy

I got so excited to get mail! I opened it up to see that there was so much more than a devotional inside. 3 devotionals, a heart-felt card, and some cute little things with scripture attached to it. Two of the devotions are specifically for people struggling with infertility, which I already love. I was in tears thinking that someone could love me this much and not know me. I seriously couldn’t understand why she did. Having recently finished the book, I just kept thinking “Love does”.

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Seriously, who does this? Who mails a package halfway around the world to stranger just because I was having a bad day. This girl does. She has shown me that she loves me. She doesn’t need to. She could just tell me that she is praying for me, or say something poignant, but instead she does. Love does.