Well hello there!
Today I hit the big mark–36 weeks! One month to go (give or take a few weeks). This past month has been really amazing as the little lady starts to push out more and more, giving me a feeling of her elbows/knees and butt, but also one of the harder months of pregnancy as far a self-esteem. This is a post that touches on some real feelings I’ve had (negative) so if you can’t read about a pregnant lady’s honest feelings about pregnancy right now, skip this one.
Most of my pregnancy has been absolutely amazing. I never really had morning sickness, I felt great, and everyone was constantly telling me how tiny I was and how I didn’t even look pregnant besides my belly. I still feel pretty great most days. Well, around 33 weeks my body began storing a hefty amount of (the word I found on the internet…) “maternal fat stores”. These “stores” have been heavily concentrated in my butt and thighs and have been compounding weekly. I’ve never really had body image issues in the past and have always been very confident (except for my hormonal acne which made infertility even more fun to go through, but that’s a different story). Then, a few weeks ago, I looked in the mirror at the gym while in my swimming suit and felt disgusted. I hated the way I looked. I loved my belly, but was worrying that I was getting too “fat” and would never be able to be confident at the beach again. I know I moved to Minnesota this year so won’t be hitting too many beaches, but it still bothered me. A good friend told me that is where we save food for our children in case of famine. So if there is a famine, you can all come to my house for dinner 🙂 I’m trying to be proud of my body no matter what so here is a pic—not of my tushy—because there are some things that should just be left off the internet. I still think I look good from the side when my hiney is clothed, so we’ll just avoid pictures from behind until I get my Hiedi Klum butt back (wishful thinking…never had one to begin with…)
My appetite has increased greatly this month and I seriously think about food 24/7. I have lost all will power at this point (something I used to have a lot of ever since I went “sugar free” in 2013). I just had 2 brownies with ice cream and am desperately wanting more. I’m thinking about pulling a can of whipped cream I just threw away from Thanksgiving out of the trash since we are now out of ice cream (ok. confession–I did pull the can out and squirted a bit on my last brownie) (another confession- in the time it took me to write this I ate the equivalent of another brownie in small slivers). I know that weight gain is normal and I know that it can be concentrated in that area, but it’s still just hard to deal with. I feel guilty about eating poorly, and that just makes me want to eat more sweets!
My husband, the usual saint, asks me every time I complain about my excess side baggage “Do you have a healthy baby?”. And then when I respond with some variation of “yes, I think so”, he very nicely but firmly tells me to shut it. People still tell me I look tiny, but that’s because I wear baggy maternity scrubs to work. I still secretly compare myself to other people who are as pregnant as me (I’m smaller than her–yes! / I’m bigger than her–am I too fat?). I even google “36 weeks pregnant” and compare my body to all the variations under the sun that you can find.
I know the world’s tiniest violin is playing “My heart bleeds for you”, I am just having a hard time getting used to being up nearly 30 lbs when my baby only weighs 6… I’m hoping my boobs account for a large percentage of that weight.
But other than that, the new onset of nausea/diarrhea this week, inability to roll over in bed, and the acne I’ve developed on my behind, everything is peachy and we are waiting for our little girl to make her appearance!