36 weeks and feeling (mostly) great

Well hello there!

Today I hit the big mark–36 weeks! One month to go (give or take a few weeks). This past month has been really amazing as the little lady starts to push out more and more, giving me a feeling of her elbows/knees and butt, but also one of the harder months of pregnancy as far a self-esteem. This is a post that touches on some real feelings I’ve had (negative) so if you can’t read about a pregnant lady’s honest feelings about pregnancy right now, skip this one.

Most of my pregnancy has been absolutely amazing. I never really had morning sickness, I felt great, and everyone was constantly telling me how tiny I was and how I didn’t even look pregnant besides my belly. I still feel pretty great most days. Well, around 33 weeks my body began storing a hefty amount of (the word I found on the internet…) “maternal fat stores”. These “stores” have been heavily concentrated in my butt and thighs and have been compounding weekly. I’ve never really had body image issues in the past and have always been very confident (except for my hormonal acne which made infertility even more fun to go through, but that’s a different story). Then, a few weeks ago, I looked in the mirror at the gym while in my swimming suit and felt disgusted. I hated the way I looked. I loved my belly, but was worrying that I was getting too “fat” and would never be able to be confident at the beach again. I know I moved to Minnesota this year so won’t be hitting too many beaches, but it still bothered me. A good friend told me that is where we save food for our children in case of famine. So if there is a famine, you can all come to my house for dinner 🙂 I’m trying to be proud of my body no matter what so here is a pic—not of my tushy—because there are some things that should just be left off the internet. I still think I look good from the side when my hiney is clothed, so we’ll just avoid pictures from behind until I get my Hiedi Klum butt back (wishful thinking…never had one to begin with…)


There it is…the bare belly selfie in the bathroom mirror!


My appetite has increased greatly this month and I seriously think about food 24/7. I have lost all will power at this point (something I used to have a lot of ever since I went “sugar free” in 2013). I just had 2 brownies with ice cream and am desperately wanting more. I’m thinking about pulling a can of whipped cream I just threw away from Thanksgiving out of the trash since we are now out of ice cream (ok. confession–I did pull the can out and squirted a bit on my last brownie) (another confession- in the time it took me to write this I ate the equivalent of another brownie in small slivers). I know that weight gain is normal and I know that it can be concentrated in that area, but it’s still just hard to deal with. I feel guilty about eating poorly, and that just makes me want to eat more sweets!

My husband, the usual saint, asks me every time I complain about my excess side baggage “Do you have a healthy baby?”. And then when I respond with some variation of “yes, I think so”, he very nicely but firmly tells me to shut it. People still tell me I look tiny, but that’s because I wear baggy maternity scrubs to work. I still secretly compare myself to other people who are as pregnant as me (I’m smaller than her–yes! / I’m bigger than her–am I too fat?). I even google “36 weeks pregnant” and compare my body to all the variations under the sun that you can find.

I know the world’s tiniest violin is playing “My heart bleeds for you”, I am just having a hard time getting used to being up nearly 30 lbs when my baby only weighs 6… I’m hoping my boobs account for a large percentage of that weight.

But other than that, the new onset of nausea/diarrhea this week, inability to roll over in bed, and the acne I’ve developed on my behind, everything is peachy and we are waiting for our little girl to make her appearance!


Showered in Love

As promised, here are some photos and recaps from my baby showers the past 2 weekends. I am not the kind of person who thinks I need multiple baby showers, but my husband’s family lives 5 hours away and none of them would travel for a shower in Minneapolis, and my family is from all over the country and Dubuque, Iowa (where my husband is from) is not an easy place to fly in to, so we had to divide the shower into his side/my side.

The first shower was thrown by my sisters-in-law in Dubuque. It was very sweet of them to throw this for me as they both have kids and I know can be very busy. It was lovely to catch up with some of Will’s family including his cousin and her 3 week old baby! I was so desperate to hold an infant, I felt like a drug addict needing a hit. We had the most amazing cookies at that shower. I probably ate 3-4 that day and 1-2 for the next few days after that…Good thing I already passed my glucose screen… Here are some pics from that shower.


With my sisters-in law and niece

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Last weekend was the shower in Minneapolis hosted by my sister. I was so glad my aunts from Dallas and New Jersey flew in as well as my mom from Tennessee and my sister from Chicago. I love when my extended family all gets together. We have lot of fun making fun of my mom and her sister for all their little familial quirks. We had the BEST cake ever. It tastes amazing as well as was so pretty. It was made with a design from some embroidery my grandma had done. We were totally spoiled. Mom stuck around this week to help me get stuff done around the house.


With my aunts


With my mom and sister

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Sorry that first post was prematurely posted with my belly as I tried to reach for a bite of lasagna. Darn MacBooks and your sensitive mousepad at the very front of the computer. I’d be lying if I said that was the first time my belly clicked the mouse on the computer.

OH! And I forgot that some co-workers threw me a surprise shower at work on Monday, which was my last day at that hospital. I’ll be at a different hospital covering someone’s vacation until I go on my own baby vacation. Someone made a delicious pistachio cake and they all chipped in to get me a gift card, which was totally thoughtful and unnecessary. I had a lot of sugar lately. Its finally all gone (just finished the last piece) and now it’s only dark chocolate for a while to give my pancreas a break 🙂


Much love to all of you


How things are going….

I thought I would write a little update since I am so delinquent, even though I don’t have much to say! Things have been going really well here. I’m almost 33 weeks and other than the expected discomfort from time to time, I’m feeling great. We have definitely been keeping busy. We just had a baby shower with Will’s family in Iowa and this week we have our hospital tour on Wednesday and my mom and aunts are coming to town Thursday and Friday for a baby shower here in Minneapolis.

I guess the biggest update we have is that we finally have our basement finished and clean (after an asbestos scare and not knowing how to properly clean concrete dust), and have started to move stuff from the baby’s room (has been storage) to the basement, so soon we can start putting stuff in the baby’s room. That will start to make this whole thing seem real.

The little lady is very mobile and is definitely making her presence known when I am trying to sleep. I got some books from our Iowa shower and so I started to read to her at night. This book last night made me cry. I highly recommend it. Doing little things like reading and singing to her make me start to feel like a mommy instead of just a pregnant women.


I’ll do a post next week about our showers and have some updated pics! Even though I’ve been MIA I’ve been reading your updates and have been praying for you all!



Why I am glad buffer my pregnancy talk with infertility talk

Ok. It’s been a while, I know. I reduced my hours to 3 days a week so now am hoping to get back to writing more. Let’s skip the guilty excuses and just move on. 🙂

I mentioned a while ago that I felt the need to clarify to everyone I told about being pregnant, that it was hard for us and that we ended up doing some fertility treatments to get there. I thought maybe I was being a bit over zealous and that people didn’t really need to know that, but now I am glad I did. Now that everyone knows (or can tell) I’ve got a baby on board, I still will mention it when people start trying to get me to complain about being pregnant (“how uncomfortable are you?”, “are you starting to have sleepless night?”).

A few weeks ago I hear a knock on my door at work and my colleague came in and asked if I had a few minutes, I said yes, and then she came in, closed the door, and started crying.  She told me about how scared she is to start doing fertility treatments and taking drugs with scary side effects. She is 36, and recently married, and had previously told me they were going to start trying and because of her age, had asked me a few basic questions about the fertility clinic I went to and what we did, etc as she was worried.

This was last summer and I didn’t really want to ask any follow up questions other than generic “how are things?” because I knew how it felt when after several months, relatives and friends would ask for “any updates” and I had nothing to give. It made me feel cruddy, like they were thinking “its been 4 months since we last talked about fertility stuff—shouldn’t you have an update by now??” If I had an update I wanted to share, I would have. And if she had good news, wanted her to be able to share it on her time, and not feel pressure.

So when she came to my office, and opened up, it made me so glad that I had put myself out there. Does she have anyone else she can talk to about this? What if I was the only person in her life who opened up about fertility? What if I hadn’t? She would be stressing by herself, feeling like she was the only person who experienced all the crazy feelings/emotions that we all know so well: jealousy, anger, fear, resentment, husband thinking you’re being irrational… to name a few

I told her the shot isn’t that bad, the HSG is no big, that I never even read the side effects page of all the medications (ignorance is bliss…) and a gave her big hug. That was it. She left and then the rest of the day, we acted like it never happened, I continue to not ask her for details and hope that someday soon I hear about an upcoming maternity leave for her.

So if any of you are wondering if you should tell people about your struggles (past or present), know that even if one person hears it who needed to hear it, it was worth it.

x Tally

It’s a….


I know I’ve been very delinquent on posting, I’ve really been aiming to post every week or 2, but now its been 3, almost 4 and that’s in poor form! I think I need to get over this mental block where I think unless I have 30 min or more to sit and reflect and write, I shouldn’t write at all. So now as I’m sitting drinking my tea before bed I thought, hey! I should write tonight!

For those of you regulars who have been following along, we finally got to find out that our little baby is a girl! If we were having a boy I would have been just as happy, but now that we know it’s a girl, I can say I secretly wanted a girl 🙂 We thought we had a girl’s name picked out, but once it got real, we backpedaled and are now back to a top three. We think we might just go into D-day with the list and see what she fits best.

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Watching the baby on the screen (didn’t know hubby was taking these!)

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The first pictures we’ll keep of our baby (we are totally bad parents and lost our first ultrasound pics…)

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Didn’t buy this, just took a picture cuz it was so cute!


Just after finding out about our little lady, we went to Chicago for the rugby match between New Zealand’s All Blacks and the USA team. We got to meet up with some friends from Auckland and it was so great to see them again and surprise them with my growing belly! No one expected the Americans to win, but it was just sad they couldn’t even score one try. We were the few kiwi fans in our area but were not shy to jump and cheer for every try they got (and there were a lot, score: 74-6). By the way if you didn’t know: Soldier Field is freaking cold!!!

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The past 2 weeks have been busy busy (work, church, visitors, and I finally started swimming at the rec center) but I’m happy to say that in January I will start working only .6 (3 days per week), which I am so excited about. I have been pretty stressed between being a speech therapist, wife, Christian and mom (and not to mention a person with my own needs), not feeling like I was fully present in any role. So reducing my hours for the final 10 weeks of my pregnancy will give me time to connect with the hubby, and the baby, relax, pray/study and get the house ready (major basement construction happening in December) for March.

How am I planning to connect with my baby? Well that has been something else going on in our busy month–we’ve just started our Hypnobirthing classes and will be practicing deep relaxation and meditation  to ready myself for a gentle, calm birth. To do this, you need to practice breathing techniques every day before you give birth! If you’ve never heard of hypnobirthing before, or are curious what a hypnobirth is like, here is a link to a video (just found it on Youtube so not endorsed or anything!). So I’ll want some extra time to practice my breathing and relaxation techniques as D-day comes closer.

The highlights right now are being almost 24 weeks and feeling a lot better, getting the baby shower planned for January (not Minnesota’s finest time of year, but with the holidays and arrival month, we have no choice!) and next week we will go register for some items for the shower. We are trying to stick to basics and not go overboard as my husband and I both believe in a minimalist lifestyle.

Have a blessed week and hopefully it won’t be another 4 weeks before I’m back 🙂


Half way!

Well, we are more than half way to our destination. I was 20 weeks last Thursday and it seems so crazy that I can be that far along. I still forget I’m pregnant quite often at work as I wear scrubs and am so busy, I just don’t have time for outside thoughts. Today I had to do a procedure I haven’t done since being pregnant and totally hurt my back as I forgot I can’t posture myself how I used to. It’s silly to think really–I should always be thinking about the babe, and what is best for him/her, but I often just forget! I’m sure soon enough I won’t be able to forget. Today I was trying to bend over my table to reach my patient’s handout to circle something and thought “ouch! I can’t do that anymore!” I’m going to have to get up and go over to his side, or just ask him to pass him paper to me 🙂

Speaking of 20 weeks, that is the magical time most people get to find out the gender of their precious one. Well, not us. When we got to our appointment last week, excited beyond belief, I was asked by the nurse as she took my weight “So when are you going to have your ultrasound?” My response “um, today…that is what we are here for”. Nope. The front desk had not scheduled us for an ultrasound, but just a checkup, so the tech had left for the day 😦 I’m embarrassed to say I was near tears because I was just so excited! I had a full schedule of patients until the following Wednesday, when I had a little wiggle room to get it done. So…we’ll get to find out this week [hopefully].


It has been another good exercise in patience for me. I think since we got pregnant I have forgot about all the patience I practice for the last year and a half and was getting back in the swing of getting things my way, in my time. So I’ve been trying to patiently wait for our next appt, to find out if we’ll be having a girl or boy.

Other than wanting to sleep all day, things have still been going well and we just can’t wait until the next 20 weeks are done, and we have our little babe.


Bump ahead

I’ll be 20 weeks in a few days and am still having guilt issues about our success in getting pregnant. I have yet to wear tight fitting clothing to show up my blossoming bump. I wear loose shirts, jackets and stretchy pants so I just look lazy and disheveled. My husband wants me show off my belly, but I just feel that if I do, it looks obnoxious.

I know at some point no matter what I wear it will be obvious what is growing underneath (and soon I will grow out of my clothes and have to get maternity clothes which tend to exaggerate the belly), but I still feel like if I wear clothes that show off my bump it’s rubbing people’s face in my success. That is how I felt when I was waiting. Every big belly made me want to cry and punch that woman for having what I wanted. Now I’m afraid people want to punch me.

I seriously wish there was some kind of sign I could wear explaining our story. Will I ever get over this guilt and be able to embrace and celebrate this time?

In exciting news we get to find out the gender of our baby this week…stay tuned..