You don’t have to explain

Well I have been home most of the week with the world’s worst cold. I can now say my cold is so bad it makes me bleed! (FYI you can bleed from your cervix from excessive coughing…) And there isn’t a whole lot out there that I can take to control symptoms and seeing as I work in hospital with direct patient care, it’s not ideal for me to be going to work until I’m better. So I’m at home, bored, and unable to breathe—that means I have more time to get caught up on some blogging!!



In the past few weeks I’ve revealed my pregnancy to a few groups of women (book club, church group, work…) and at each event there seems to be the usual shrieking of excitement that comes with a pregnancy announcement, but there also have been some women who kind of avoid eye contact, don’t really react and stay close to the edge of the conversation.

I just want you all out there who are secretly struggling to know: I get it. You don’t have to explain why you don’t react to a pregnancy announcement with shrill excitement. You don’t have to say a fake “congrats” if you just got your period. I’m sure there are many people out there, whom I encounter every day, who are silently struggling. I usually tell people that we had a hard time getting here, so are really thankful, and hope that at least gives women out there an idea that I’ve been in their shoes. I try to open the conversation door so they can know I’m an open book and can ask me anything you want, or not.

I really try to talk about our difficulty so everyone, not just the struggling ones, hear what its like and know that it is common and should’t be a secret. I feel a little more brave now that I’m “expecting” (I still hate pregnancy terms like that…) and can say to a group of moms how it was really hard, and every time people who already had kids told me how it easy it was for them, ask why we don’t have kids yet or what I should try next or say I could have one of theirs, how it made me really upset. I hope they actually listen to my words and apply the info to other women in their lives. I felt like I couldn’t say those things while I was waiting because then it seemed like more of a personal attack on those women. But now that my friends all include people I didn’t really know while we were trying, I can’t offend them because they weren’t the ones saying it to me.

So you there, sitting in the corner, avoiding eye contact. It’s ok. I won’t draw attention to you or your current circumstance. Just know I am praying for you.



Getting Real

Warning: This post talks about baby things and if you’re having a bad day, maybe don’t read for now.


Not that the positive pregnancy test, ultrasound and ever-tightening clothes (going to have to go maternity here pretty soon!) aren’t real evidence of what I’m cooking, this past week was the first time I really began to believe this is really happening. While lying down in bed I felt this massive “tap” in my pelvic area. It literally made me startle. It took me a minute to realize what it could be.

The baby is kicking! It did it several more times that night before I fell asleep. Then it repeated the same action the following 2 nights. Just as I lie down and get relaxed and start to read, I feel the tap tap tap. Its been so regular even my hubby got to feel it already. I won’t lie and say its not the most magical feeling ever. It give me reassurance that the baby is alive in there and moving around. I really pray that each of get to feel that moment at some point. My husband breaks the moment with “There is something alive inside your stomach, I think we should try to get it out.” Ha.

We have our 20 week ultrasound in 2.5 weeks and I am dying with excitement to find out what we are having. We are pretty set on a girls name, but unsure about boys names (I like quite a few, my husband hates them all), so can’t wait to see if we can stick with what we have, or need to start researching/negotiating boys names.

I know in the last post I mentioned questioning if we should do a “announcement” on social media, and we decided in the end, to not do one. I really think one positive effect of struggling to get to this point, is that now, for us, being parents is all that matters. All the hype about belly pics and announcements, nursery design and gender reveals just don’t have the same appeal they did when we started this journey. We just want the baby in the end. There is nothing wrong with doing them, we just decided its not for us. So we’ll just tell people individually, or email relatives to let them in on the secret. Even though we aren’t that close, I’m really dreading telling Will’s cousin, who was just a week ahead of me, and had a miscarriage somewhere between 7-10 weeks. I imagine that even though their pregnancy was not planned, it will sting to know I am where she should be. Maybe we’ll just let his parents tell them, since we don’t talk to them on a regular basis anyways, just family get-togethers.

Well, hubby is in DC for work for a few days, so I’m heading to Gone Girl with my book club this cold Sunday afternoon. Wherever you people live, if it’s not Minnesota (or maybe Wisconsin as well), be thankful. Winter has already started, which bums me out, because I really like Fall. I would kill for some 60 degree weather right now, and all we’ve got is 40s and 50s with complete cloud coverage/rain for the next 2 weeks!! Lets pray they’re wrong and we get some nice days!


October 5th and I’m already busting out the long johns!



Believing is Seeing

Hello! It’s been a while but, I guess the best inspiration for a quiet day of reflecting and writing is when its 90 degrees outside with 80% humidity. Oh, and we don’t have AC, and one of our fans broke last week, the other one shrieks if it’s too humid out, so its unusable. So I’m literally lying on the floor of our concrete unfinished basement floor (thank you flooding) in my skivvies trying to stay cool.


My little nest today–roughin it!

I had my first visit with an OBGYN last week. I was quite stressed leading up to the visit because when we moved to the cities, I was so focused on an RE, that I didn’t think about if I got pregnant, where I would go. I had my 7 week ultrasound with the CRM (Center for Reproductive Medicine) but after that, they turn you lose to be with the “normal pregnancy population”. I am a bit a procrastinator and when CRM told me to find a clinic, I thought, “yeah yeah, I’ll get there”. Well at 9 weeks, I had done hours of preliminary research, but just couldn’t decide. Midwife or OBGYN; close to home, or close to work…Well I finally picked one by default (many were not accepting new patients) and everything was good.

However, I am a bit nervous about the fact that because we had our first scan at 7 weeks, I have to wait until 20 weeks to do another “free” scan. I am just so fearful that the baby will stop growing or something will be wrong, between my first scan and 2 months from now and I won’t know until 20 weeks and be devastated. But my husband, always the rock asked me “Do you want to be a Peter, or a Thomas?” I didn’t get what he was asking at first, but he explained.

If you read John Chapter 20, you’ll get the full story. In a nutshell, Peter believed that Jesus had risen just by seeing the empty tomb and reports by Mary Magdelene, but Thomas said he would not believe until he actually saw Jesus. John 20:29 -“Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'” Another illustration is from one of my favorite Christmas movies “The Santa Clause”– “Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing”. Sometimes we get so worked up in what is real and needing proof of everything. If we see it, we will believe it, but not until then. Maybe God just wants to remind me of that child-like faith that we are called to have. If I had scans every few weeks, I wouldn’t need to believe, because I’d just be seeing.


Blessings and good luck to you all in the next few weeks!!!