Prayer Group

Hi everyone, I’m back! I know I haven’t been around in almost a year. To me, this blog is kind of like a diary for my experiences with fertility and not-so-fertility, so when I don’t have anything to say or am not feeling things about that topic, I don’t post. I wanted to steer clear of the feeling of obligation to write just for the sake of it, and only wanted to post when I had something to say.

So, on that note, I have something to say. After almost  years of being pregnant or having an infant, I now feel that its an appropriate time for me to start supporting others as I was supported.

After praying, talking with some friends from church and reflecting, I’ve decided to start a prayer group for those struggling with fertility difficulties. We’re starting small–inviting people I know of and asking friends to invite people they may know who would want to be prayed over. I have set very low expectations–It will for sure be me and one other girl from church–if it’s just us that will be just fine and we will pray for our friends who are struggling, but not there.

I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, but feel I’ve not been given the gift of prayer, so always shied away from actually doing it, for fear of having to pray in front of people. But I had some friends really encourage me to do it, including one who said she would be the “lead prayer… so…here I go!

If you know of anyone who lives in Minneapolis and would like to come, just send me a message–We’d love to have you! Or if you’d just like to be on our prayer list, send me a message with your details and if there is something specific you’d like prayer for.

And you if you wanted, you could pray for me, giving me the courage to do this, and the words from God to speak to people’s experiences and surround them with love!





You are not alone–Bloggers unite!

While we were struggling to become pregnant I was not overly open about our struggles. I was embarrassed, I was ashamed and I was alone. Everyone around me appeared so fertile. All my friends were pregnant, or had babies and I was the odd one who couldn’t do it.

I went to an infertility prayer night at my church (despite my fears) and found 20+ women there who were young, cool and also aching for a baby. There were people at all stages of the journey there and others who just had a heart for us. We were able to share our story and be prayed over, which was an incredible feeling. After that I began to see that light.

I was not alone. I still felt isolated, but at least I felt like there were other people out there who weren’t monsters who struggled to get pregnant. It was then a slow uphill battle as each month passed with my womb empty and pregnancy announcements filled my news feed. I again began to feel like I was alone. I stopped using Facebook because every time I looked at it, I sunk deeper into my hole.

Then in January 2014 I decided to start a blog partially to express myself, but, to be honest, mostly to connect with other people who are in the same boat and have the same feelings I was having. It was AMAZING. I immediately starting following lots of blogs and hoping someone would comment on something I wrote so we could become “friends”. I was so excited when I got to 10 followers and then every time someone new followed me or posted a comment I did a little dance in my head. I found comfort in words others wrote, and others found comfort in knowing they weren’t alone in all the crazy feelings they had. I wasn’t ready to talk about it with people I knew, but it was great to talk about it with people I didn’t know!

Then I was lucky enough to become pregnant with an IUI. For some reason once I became I pregnant I felt like it was ok to talk about it with people I actually knew. I don’t know why I kept quiet publicly why were struggling. I think I wanted to keep it a secret in the hopes that when we did get pregnant it would be a surprise, and not expected by everyone. I know part of it was not wanting everyone to “check in” on me each month. Since opening up I have found many others in my life who struggle as well. There may be more, but they may not be ready to talk to me about it yet.

So I want everyone out there reading this, weather a regular follower or someone who just fell across this blog: You are not alone. Reach out to bloggers wether you have a blog yourself or not. Comment, like and email them. I know it’s scary the first time you do it, but trust me, you will not regret it.

Why I am glad buffer my pregnancy talk with infertility talk

Ok. It’s been a while, I know. I reduced my hours to 3 days a week so now am hoping to get back to writing more. Let’s skip the guilty excuses and just move on. 🙂

I mentioned a while ago that I felt the need to clarify to everyone I told about being pregnant, that it was hard for us and that we ended up doing some fertility treatments to get there. I thought maybe I was being a bit over zealous and that people didn’t really need to know that, but now I am glad I did. Now that everyone knows (or can tell) I’ve got a baby on board, I still will mention it when people start trying to get me to complain about being pregnant (“how uncomfortable are you?”, “are you starting to have sleepless night?”).

A few weeks ago I hear a knock on my door at work and my colleague came in and asked if I had a few minutes, I said yes, and then she came in, closed the door, and started crying.  She told me about how scared she is to start doing fertility treatments and taking drugs with scary side effects. She is 36, and recently married, and had previously told me they were going to start trying and because of her age, had asked me a few basic questions about the fertility clinic I went to and what we did, etc as she was worried.

This was last summer and I didn’t really want to ask any follow up questions other than generic “how are things?” because I knew how it felt when after several months, relatives and friends would ask for “any updates” and I had nothing to give. It made me feel cruddy, like they were thinking “its been 4 months since we last talked about fertility stuff—shouldn’t you have an update by now??” If I had an update I wanted to share, I would have. And if she had good news, wanted her to be able to share it on her time, and not feel pressure.

So when she came to my office, and opened up, it made me so glad that I had put myself out there. Does she have anyone else she can talk to about this? What if I was the only person in her life who opened up about fertility? What if I hadn’t? She would be stressing by herself, feeling like she was the only person who experienced all the crazy feelings/emotions that we all know so well: jealousy, anger, fear, resentment, husband thinking you’re being irrational… to name a few

I told her the shot isn’t that bad, the HSG is no big, that I never even read the side effects page of all the medications (ignorance is bliss…) and a gave her big hug. That was it. She left and then the rest of the day, we acted like it never happened, I continue to not ask her for details and hope that someday soon I hear about an upcoming maternity leave for her.

So if any of you are wondering if you should tell people about your struggles (past or present), know that even if one person hears it who needed to hear it, it was worth it.

x Tally

Fruit for me?

I know it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. But I finally made myself sit down and write. I’m been meaning to do his for a few weeks, but just haven’t had the words or time to really think about it, so just kept putting it off. We’ve got good news. Our IUI worked and we are on our way to a bump!

I’ve been wrestling with this news for a long time for several reasons. 1) I thought it was too good to be true 2) I felt guilty that it worked for me while so many others continued to struggle, 3) I was sure it was going to end badly, and 4) Each time I was about to sit down to write, another blogger/friend posted a BFN or loss and I just didn’t want to rub wounds. Well, I’m almost 10 weeks now and still think it’s too good to be true. I still have guilt when I read others’ posts about their heartache, I am still worried it will end badly- (especially after hearing about a family member’s recent loss around the point I’m at) and I’m sure as soon as I post this, someone else will be on CD1 and it will upset them.

I have so many thoughts that I want to share before I know some people with stop following my blog (which I know is inevitable as I did it too). I don’t know how to tie them together nicely, so I’ll just bullet point them. Do you mind?

  • I would have never gotten to this place with my spirit in tact if it weren’t for my fellow bloggers and God. There were so many hopeless days filled with joy because of something someone else posted, or something that made me realize how lucky I actually was in my life. The comments on my blogs that gave me the strength to keep moving. If you don’t know Elisha, you better get to know her. She is the fiercest Jesus warrior I know! I dare you to write a negative, “woe is me” post and not get a positive comment or a care package in the mail. I know when she gets to share her good news, she will have hundreds of people congratulating her.
  • I kept this news to myself for a few reasons. Some were mentioned above (fear of miscarriage and guilt). Also, with sharing so much of my life on the blog with people who I don’t know as well as friends and family. I wanted to have something  that was just mine to cherish. I have no control over so many things in life, I wanted to control how a few people in my life got our news. I wanted to surprise some people with the news when I was ready, rather than find out on my blog.
  • I am still here for you all. When someone “recovers” from a life changing disease they don’t just pick up and move on, forgetting all they’ve experienced. No, the cancer survivor visits her old friends while they’re getting chemo, and continues to advocate for their needs. The man who just got a lung transplant, still calls his friends who are on the waiting list to fill them with hope and listen to their sorrows. Please know I am always here and you can always post a comment and I will respond. God has put infertility on my heart as a badge I will wear courageously. I will never stop bringing awareness and hope for those who have to go through it.
  • I know that God put me through this trial so I could become the person he intended me to be. My life had been so easy pre-fertility challenges and to be honest, I didn’t really need God in my life. Everything just always fell my way. I have been humbled through this experience and learned not to depend on my own understanding of odds, chances, plans, or my own mental strength, but put my trust in Him and come to him broken. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
  • This blog has really been a space for me to reach out and try to find people like me, so I didn’t feel so alone in my struggles. And it just that. I have loved sharing my life with all of you. I am still struggling with feelings and emotions and will continue to use this blog to talk about them. They probably won’t be as frequent, but I’ll try to get on regularly to let everyone know how I’m doing and hash out any complex feelings I’m having.
  • I still get irritated with pregnancy announcements and pregnant/mommy talk. I hope I get to the point where it doesn’t bother me anymore, but for some reason, I still have a hard time being happy for people who get pregnant by accident. So I get it if you’re irritated with me. No offense taken. Oh, and no obligatory “congrats (but in my mind I hate you)” comments needed. I get it. You don’t have to be happy for me right now, and thats ok.
  • Lastly, I am so thankful that God has blessed me with this child. I will cherish this time forever, no matter what happens from here on out. Every day I thank God for giving me another day of being pregnant. I do not take for granted that tomorrow I could wake up and everything could change. I hold tight to each day I am given with this baby.

So, there you have it. I’m pregnant. Looks like the fruit nazi has finally let me have my fruit! Hope you are next!



What the What?

Well, my life has been pretty cray cray lately. I was offered the job I applied for back in June and I start next Monday. I wasn’t offered until last Thursday so that is a pretty quick turn around to get all the paperwork and background stuff done that is required when working for a large hospital system. If any of you work in healthcare (or probably any other career other than cat-sitting), you know what I mean. So my blogging, will likely become a little more sporadic, but I really hope to keep posting once a week.



And to top that all off I was notified last week that my blog was nominated  for the 2014 Hope Award for Best Blog.


What?? I just submitted my entry for the NIAW: Resolve to know more to join the club and try to get a few more friends to share my journey with via the website. That has always been my goal of this blog from the get-go: to connect with others to make this isolating situation less isolating. Each time someone “follows” my blog or “likes” a post I seriously feel a personal connection to you.  It tells me “hey, you either get what I’m feeling, or want to go on this journey with me”, which is wonderful!

The only thing I can say is how amazing God is and how He has blessed me immensely this month. After having so many things go wrong, some things are starting to go right. I am so honored that people read my blog and thought it was something other people struggling with fertility issues or who have a heart for that should read. Wow.

So if you like my blog, feel free to vote and follow me, and if you like someone else’s better once you get there, vote for them and start following them too.  You’ll get to make a new “friend”, because isn’t that really why we blog about our journeys in the first place?



Thankful for my situation

The other day while sitting in the waiting room at my clinic, I noticed a few women who were obviously from Muslim cultures, wearing hijab. Some were Somalian and others were of Arab decent. I had read in books previously how many other cultures (not just Muslim) can view illness and diseases. This made me want to read a little more about it. Many cultures believe that if you are stricken with something (like infertility), it is God’s way of punishing you for either something you did, or something your ancestors did.

As I sit in the waiting room I thank my God for His grace and His love. Our God is a God of love, not vengeance. As a pastor once said in his sermon: “We live in the New Testament”. I believe that we were given this challenge to make us stronger and bring us closer to God, not to punish us. Our God truly loves us and wants to use our lives to glorify Him, not to instill fear.

I have so much compassion for women in other cultures who are struggling with infertility as well as shame, social isolation or even abuse. I know that every single person is unique and I’m sure there are people from these cultures who are not chastised, but the reality is that there are so many out there who are.

So as we have our ups and downs of this journey and have pity parties, lets be thankful we are not being ridiculed, exiled, or abused for our infertility. I am thankful that I have been given the journey I am on and pray for these women all around the world who have the endure horrible things because they cannot produce children. “Counting our blessings” can really make this journey more endurable.

Check out this article if you are interested in reading more about how women around the world are affected by infertility.



I already have a baby

The other day I was sitting on my couch with my husband and my kitty. We were watching a movie and snuggling in. I sat there and looked around me and thought “I already have a family” and “I already have a baby”. Those of you who aren’t cat people probably will write me off as crazy, and that’s ok. But I LOVE my cat. Like if I didn’t have a husband, I’d be happy to go down the crazy cat lady route in life. I snuggle her, she takes naps with me, she cries when she’s hungry and she tells me when she wants to go outside and roll around in grass. She is my baby. No, I’m not putting her in strollers and walking her around the neighborhood (although I would if it were socially acceptable).  🙂

Spending the last 2 years without her was SO hard, especially when going through sub fertility. I knew that having her back in my life would help ease the pain of not having a baby in my arms. I was right, having her makes me happy. This past month has gone by with a lot less anxiety and craziness and I attribute that to having my kitty by my side.

So, until I’m able to hold my real baby, I have my fur baby, Scutero.