Prayer Group

Hi everyone, I’m back! I know I haven’t been around in almost a year. To me, this blog is kind of like a diary for my experiences with fertility and not-so-fertility, so when I don’t have anything to say or am not feeling things about that topic, I don’t post. I wanted to steer clear of the feeling of obligation to write just for the sake of it, and only wanted to post when I had something to say.

So, on that note, I have something to say. After almost  years of being pregnant or having an infant, I now feel that its an appropriate time for me to start supporting others as I was supported.

After praying, talking with some friends from church and reflecting, I’ve decided to start a prayer group for those struggling with fertility difficulties. We’re starting small–inviting people I know of and asking friends to invite people they may know who would want to be prayed over. I have set very low expectations–It will for sure be me and one other girl from church–if it’s just us that will be just fine and we will pray for our friends who are struggling, but not there.

I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, but feel I’ve not been given the gift of prayer, so always shied away from actually doing it, for fear of having to pray in front of people. But I had some friends really encourage me to do it, including one who said she would be the “lead prayer… so…here I go!

If you know of anyone who lives in Minneapolis and would like to come, just send me a message–We’d love to have you! Or if you’d just like to be on our prayer list, send me a message with your details and if there is something specific you’d like prayer for.

And you if you wanted, you could pray for me, giving me the courage to do this, and the words from God to speak to people’s experiences and surround them with love!





Believing is Seeing

Hello! It’s been a while but, I guess the best inspiration for a quiet day of reflecting and writing is when its 90 degrees outside with 80% humidity. Oh, and we don’t have AC, and one of our fans broke last week, the other one shrieks if it’s too humid out, so its unusable. So I’m literally lying on the floor of our concrete unfinished basement floor (thank you flooding) in my skivvies trying to stay cool.


My little nest today–roughin it!

I had my first visit with an OBGYN last week. I was quite stressed leading up to the visit because when we moved to the cities, I was so focused on an RE, that I didn’t think about if I got pregnant, where I would go. I had my 7 week ultrasound with the CRM (Center for Reproductive Medicine) but after that, they turn you lose to be with the “normal pregnancy population”. I am a bit a procrastinator and when CRM told me to find a clinic, I thought, “yeah yeah, I’ll get there”. Well at 9 weeks, I had done hours of preliminary research, but just couldn’t decide. Midwife or OBGYN; close to home, or close to work…Well I finally picked one by default (many were not accepting new patients) and everything was good.

However, I am a bit nervous about the fact that because we had our first scan at 7 weeks, I have to wait until 20 weeks to do another “free” scan. I am just so fearful that the baby will stop growing or something will be wrong, between my first scan and 2 months from now and I won’t know until 20 weeks and be devastated. But my husband, always the rock asked me “Do you want to be a Peter, or a Thomas?” I didn’t get what he was asking at first, but he explained.

If you read John Chapter 20, you’ll get the full story. In a nutshell, Peter believed that Jesus had risen just by seeing the empty tomb and reports by Mary Magdelene, but Thomas said he would not believe until he actually saw Jesus. John 20:29 -“Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'” Another illustration is from one of my favorite Christmas movies “The Santa Clause”– “Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing”. Sometimes we get so worked up in what is real and needing proof of everything. If we see it, we will believe it, but not until then. Maybe God just wants to remind me of that child-like faith that we are called to have. If I had scans every few weeks, I wouldn’t need to believe, because I’d just be seeing.


Blessings and good luck to you all in the next few weeks!!!


Fruit for me?

I know it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. But I finally made myself sit down and write. I’m been meaning to do his for a few weeks, but just haven’t had the words or time to really think about it, so just kept putting it off. We’ve got good news. Our IUI worked and we are on our way to a bump!

I’ve been wrestling with this news for a long time for several reasons. 1) I thought it was too good to be true 2) I felt guilty that it worked for me while so many others continued to struggle, 3) I was sure it was going to end badly, and 4) Each time I was about to sit down to write, another blogger/friend posted a BFN or loss and I just didn’t want to rub wounds. Well, I’m almost 10 weeks now and still think it’s too good to be true. I still have guilt when I read others’ posts about their heartache, I am still worried it will end badly- (especially after hearing about a family member’s recent loss around the point I’m at) and I’m sure as soon as I post this, someone else will be on CD1 and it will upset them.

I have so many thoughts that I want to share before I know some people with stop following my blog (which I know is inevitable as I did it too). I don’t know how to tie them together nicely, so I’ll just bullet point them. Do you mind?

  • I would have never gotten to this place with my spirit in tact if it weren’t for my fellow bloggers and God. There were so many hopeless days filled with joy because of something someone else posted, or something that made me realize how lucky I actually was in my life. The comments on my blogs that gave me the strength to keep moving. If you don’t know Elisha, you better get to know her. She is the fiercest Jesus warrior I know! I dare you to write a negative, “woe is me” post and not get a positive comment or a care package in the mail. I know when she gets to share her good news, she will have hundreds of people congratulating her.
  • I kept this news to myself for a few reasons. Some were mentioned above (fear of miscarriage and guilt). Also, with sharing so much of my life on the blog with people who I don’t know as well as friends and family. I wanted to have something  that was just mine to cherish. I have no control over so many things in life, I wanted to control how a few people in my life got our news. I wanted to surprise some people with the news when I was ready, rather than find out on my blog.
  • I am still here for you all. When someone “recovers” from a life changing disease they don’t just pick up and move on, forgetting all they’ve experienced. No, the cancer survivor visits her old friends while they’re getting chemo, and continues to advocate for their needs. The man who just got a lung transplant, still calls his friends who are on the waiting list to fill them with hope and listen to their sorrows. Please know I am always here and you can always post a comment and I will respond. God has put infertility on my heart as a badge I will wear courageously. I will never stop bringing awareness and hope for those who have to go through it.
  • I know that God put me through this trial so I could become the person he intended me to be. My life had been so easy pre-fertility challenges and to be honest, I didn’t really need God in my life. Everything just always fell my way. I have been humbled through this experience and learned not to depend on my own understanding of odds, chances, plans, or my own mental strength, but put my trust in Him and come to him broken. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
  • This blog has really been a space for me to reach out and try to find people like me, so I didn’t feel so alone in my struggles. And it just that. I have loved sharing my life with all of you. I am still struggling with feelings and emotions and will continue to use this blog to talk about them. They probably won’t be as frequent, but I’ll try to get on regularly to let everyone know how I’m doing and hash out any complex feelings I’m having.
  • I still get irritated with pregnancy announcements and pregnant/mommy talk. I hope I get to the point where it doesn’t bother me anymore, but for some reason, I still have a hard time being happy for people who get pregnant by accident. So I get it if you’re irritated with me. No offense taken. Oh, and no obligatory “congrats (but in my mind I hate you)” comments needed. I get it. You don’t have to be happy for me right now, and thats ok.
  • Lastly, I am so thankful that God has blessed me with this child. I will cherish this time forever, no matter what happens from here on out. Every day I thank God for giving me another day of being pregnant. I do not take for granted that tomorrow I could wake up and everything could change. I hold tight to each day I am given with this baby.

So, there you have it. I’m pregnant. Looks like the fruit nazi has finally let me have my fruit! Hope you are next!



Thankful for my situation

The other day while sitting in the waiting room at my clinic, I noticed a few women who were obviously from Muslim cultures, wearing hijab. Some were Somalian and others were of Arab decent. I had read in books previously how many other cultures (not just Muslim) can view illness and diseases. This made me want to read a little more about it. Many cultures believe that if you are stricken with something (like infertility), it is God’s way of punishing you for either something you did, or something your ancestors did.

As I sit in the waiting room I thank my God for His grace and His love. Our God is a God of love, not vengeance. As a pastor once said in his sermon: “We live in the New Testament”. I believe that we were given this challenge to make us stronger and bring us closer to God, not to punish us. Our God truly loves us and wants to use our lives to glorify Him, not to instill fear.

I have so much compassion for women in other cultures who are struggling with infertility as well as shame, social isolation or even abuse. I know that every single person is unique and I’m sure there are people from these cultures who are not chastised, but the reality is that there are so many out there who are.

So as we have our ups and downs of this journey and have pity parties, lets be thankful we are not being ridiculed, exiled, or abused for our infertility. I am thankful that I have been given the journey I am on and pray for these women all around the world who have the endure horrible things because they cannot produce children. “Counting our blessings” can really make this journey more endurable.

Check out this article if you are interested in reading more about how women around the world are affected by infertility.



Prayer Group

Hey all,

The Lord has really put helping/connecting with others in my same situation on my heart and I really wanted to join a prayer group for those struggling with infertility (or should I say sub-fertility because apparently that s the more correct term for those without a reason for the lack of pregnancy), but have not found anything so far. I’ve goggled all combinations of terms, but still no luck.

Is anyone aware of a prayer group that already exists in Minneapolis? There is a RESOLVE support group that I’m going to start attending, but there is a difference between a support group and a prayer group.

My other idea was the start my own prayer group. I only need 2 or 3 people to start one, but don’t know a single soul in Minneapolis going through this. And I feel like my clinic would be none to happy if I approach everyone I see in the waiting area. So if you don’t know of a prayer group in Minneapolis, do you know anyone else struggling that would want to join mine?




My Leap of Faith

Let me start this post out my assuring you I’m not pregnant. Far from it. But, yesterday while doing last minute shopping in New Zealand, I actually bought something for our future child. There is a store here that makes gorgeous New Zealand themed onesies and I always envisioned buying one over the past year and a half, once I got that BFP. Well, the BFP never came, but now we are leaving NZ and won’t have the chance to buy it again. So, in a moment of fully trusting God that He will bless us with a child one day, I just grabbed it off the shelf and ran to the cash register before I could change my mind.

photo 2

The subtle Kiwiana details of a sheep, fantail bird and fern. So cute!

I was feeling good until she asked me if it was a gift. “Oh no, this is for me, but I’m not pregnant so I’m just getting it for sometime in the future because I believe that God will give me a child.” “Yes”. So she wrapped it up in tissue all nicely.

I told hubby about it and he said he really liked that I did that! I was a bit nervous he would think I was dumb or getting my hopes up.

So there it is. My first leap of faith showing that I even at the times where I feel the most hopeless, I can still praise Him and act as if I already have all the gifts He is going to give me.



Trusting God

photo 4
Today at church our new pastor’s wife spoke. Honestly, at first I was a bit disappointed. I thought, “oh bummer, on our last day at St. Paul’s we’ll have to listen to her tell us about herself instead of a sermon…” Well, I was pleasantly surprised.

Right out of the get go, she explained that although she was “Christian” her whole life, she didn’t really have a need for God until she was 32. [My mind instantly thinks, 32 is about the age where people either have kids/find out they can’t have kids. She either is going to complain about how hard it is to be a mom or tell us she struggled to conceive.] She then explained how she had control and anger issues [hello, its like looking in a mirror] and that she was always able to make her will be done rather than His. She just worked harder and her will always happened. She didn’t trust that God would make anything in her life happen, so she had to make what she wanted happen [pretty much sums up my life until now].

Until she was diagnosed with…pregnant pause…infertility. [Oh my gosh, this is so great that this beautiful, poised wife of a handsome pastor has the same thing I do and struggled in the same way I’m struggling now]. She said she didn’t want to go into details, and that story is meant for another time and place, but just that through prayer with others about her struggle, people kept telling her that God wants her to let go of control–and that made her angry. She continued to pray with people and feel that she needed to let go of her plans and trust that God has a plan for her and as is said in The Lord’s Prayer “YOUR kingdom come, YOUR will be done.” She felt that God wanted to her work on that during her time of pain/depression/anxiety and everything that else that goes along with infertility.

This really resonated with me because I had prayed that exact prayer before with the exact intentions. I was trying to ask for Him to change my heart to want his wants and that I really wanted His will to be done, and not think my will was more important or better. I thankfully have not battled depression or anxiety, but simply have moments of extreme sadness, fearfulness and anxiousness—and that is so hard, I can’t imagine actually having battling them full force.

Her whole talk just really gave me hope that I can trust God. After 6 1/2 years of infertility, she was finally blessed with a child, and then 2 more! She was finally able to trust God and let go of her need to control situations. But if I’m being honest with myself, that is the biggest hurdle I face right now in my Christian walk. I am AFRAID to trust God. I am AFRAID that if I trust Him fully, He might have plans for me that don’t involve having a baby and that would crush me.

So there. I’m a scaredy cat.

Please pray that I can continue to get closer to God and believe that I can full put my trust in Him that He will write us a happy story.