Prayer Group

Hi everyone, I’m back! I know I haven’t been around in almost a year. To me, this blog is kind of like a diary for my experiences with fertility and not-so-fertility, so when I don’t have anything to say or am not feeling things about that topic, I don’t post. I wanted to steer clear of the feeling of obligation to write just for the sake of it, and only wanted to post when I had something to say.

So, on that note, I have something to say. After almost  years of being pregnant or having an infant, I now feel that its an appropriate time for me to start supporting others as I was supported.

After praying, talking with some friends from church and reflecting, I’ve decided to start a prayer group for those struggling with fertility difficulties. We’re starting small–inviting people I know of and asking friends to invite people they may know who would want to be prayed over. I have set very low expectations–It will for sure be me and one other girl from church–if it’s just us that will be just fine and we will pray for our friends who are struggling, but not there.

I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, but feel I’ve not been given the gift of prayer, so always shied away from actually doing it, for fear of having to pray in front of people. But I had some friends really encourage me to do it, including one who said she would be the “lead prayer… so…here I go!

If you know of anyone who lives in Minneapolis and would like to come, just send me a message–We’d love to have you! Or if you’d just like to be on our prayer list, send me a message with your details and if there is something specific you’d like prayer for.

And you if you wanted, you could pray for me, giving me the courage to do this, and the words from God to speak to people’s experiences and surround them with love!





You are not alone–Bloggers unite!

While we were struggling to become pregnant I was not overly open about our struggles. I was embarrassed, I was ashamed and I was alone. Everyone around me appeared so fertile. All my friends were pregnant, or had babies and I was the odd one who couldn’t do it.

I went to an infertility prayer night at my church (despite my fears) and found 20+ women there who were young, cool and also aching for a baby. There were people at all stages of the journey there and others who just had a heart for us. We were able to share our story and be prayed over, which was an incredible feeling. After that I began to see that light.

I was not alone. I still felt isolated, but at least I felt like there were other people out there who weren’t monsters who struggled to get pregnant. It was then a slow uphill battle as each month passed with my womb empty and pregnancy announcements filled my news feed. I again began to feel like I was alone. I stopped using Facebook because every time I looked at it, I sunk deeper into my hole.

Then in January 2014 I decided to start a blog partially to express myself, but, to be honest, mostly to connect with other people who are in the same boat and have the same feelings I was having. It was AMAZING. I immediately starting following lots of blogs and hoping someone would comment on something I wrote so we could become “friends”. I was so excited when I got to 10 followers and then every time someone new followed me or posted a comment I did a little dance in my head. I found comfort in words others wrote, and others found comfort in knowing they weren’t alone in all the crazy feelings they had. I wasn’t ready to talk about it with people I knew, but it was great to talk about it with people I didn’t know!

Then I was lucky enough to become pregnant with an IUI. For some reason once I became I pregnant I felt like it was ok to talk about it with people I actually knew. I don’t know why I kept quiet publicly why were struggling. I think I wanted to keep it a secret in the hopes that when we did get pregnant it would be a surprise, and not expected by everyone. I know part of it was not wanting everyone to “check in” on me each month. Since opening up I have found many others in my life who struggle as well. There may be more, but they may not be ready to talk to me about it yet.

So I want everyone out there reading this, weather a regular follower or someone who just fell across this blog: You are not alone. Reach out to bloggers wether you have a blog yourself or not. Comment, like and email them. I know it’s scary the first time you do it, but trust me, you will not regret it.

The other IVF

Isn’t it funny when you notice that you have something on your brain and then you notice things related to it every where?

As you know I’ve recently started my new job and its my first time being in the hospital since starting fertility treatments. Today I was reading someone’s chart and it mentioned IVF all over the chart. Of course to me IVF is in vitro fertilization, but that might not be the case for others. I’m thinking this is weird, since its the chart of a 45 year old man. Then I realized, oh wait, Its not that IVF. Intravenous fluids. Duh.


Also, I’m analyzing every new person I meet at the hospital. Oh, you’re married and 35 with no kids? Are you infertile? I can’t help but wish we had a secret handshake to see if someone else is in our elite group 🙂

Sometimes I think fertility issues are all I think about! I’m going to make it my mission to try to think about other things like helping people, getting to know the people I work with and spreading the love of Jesus.

Have you ever taken a reality check and realized something is dominating your thoughts? What did you do to shake them?

Thankful for my situation

The other day while sitting in the waiting room at my clinic, I noticed a few women who were obviously from Muslim cultures, wearing hijab. Some were Somalian and others were of Arab decent. I had read in books previously how many other cultures (not just Muslim) can view illness and diseases. This made me want to read a little more about it. Many cultures believe that if you are stricken with something (like infertility), it is God’s way of punishing you for either something you did, or something your ancestors did.

As I sit in the waiting room I thank my God for His grace and His love. Our God is a God of love, not vengeance. As a pastor once said in his sermon: “We live in the New Testament”. I believe that we were given this challenge to make us stronger and bring us closer to God, not to punish us. Our God truly loves us and wants to use our lives to glorify Him, not to instill fear.

I have so much compassion for women in other cultures who are struggling with infertility as well as shame, social isolation or even abuse. I know that every single person is unique and I’m sure there are people from these cultures who are not chastised, but the reality is that there are so many out there who are.

So as we have our ups and downs of this journey and have pity parties, lets be thankful we are not being ridiculed, exiled, or abused for our infertility. I am thankful that I have been given the journey I am on and pray for these women all around the world who have the endure horrible things because they cannot produce children. “Counting our blessings” can really make this journey more endurable.

Check out this article if you are interested in reading more about how women around the world are affected by infertility.



I already have a baby

The other day I was sitting on my couch with my husband and my kitty. We were watching a movie and snuggling in. I sat there and looked around me and thought “I already have a family” and “I already have a baby”. Those of you who aren’t cat people probably will write me off as crazy, and that’s ok. But I LOVE my cat. Like if I didn’t have a husband, I’d be happy to go down the crazy cat lady route in life. I snuggle her, she takes naps with me, she cries when she’s hungry and she tells me when she wants to go outside and roll around in grass. She is my baby. No, I’m not putting her in strollers and walking her around the neighborhood (although I would if it were socially acceptable).  🙂

Spending the last 2 years without her was SO hard, especially when going through sub fertility. I knew that having her back in my life would help ease the pain of not having a baby in my arms. I was right, having her makes me happy. This past month has gone by with a lot less anxiety and craziness and I attribute that to having my kitty by my side.

So, until I’m able to hold my real baby, I have my fur baby, Scutero.



Busy Busy Busy, and a doctor’s appointment!

Well, I guess moving back home is harder than we thought. EVERYTHING is taking more effort and time than we planned for, so we are doing something sun up to sun down (which is a lot of time right now, 6:00am-9:00pm!) We’ve been chasing furniture, setting up bills and trying to get a job for me!

I had a job interview last week and it went really well, and to counter balance that, I was 60 hours behind in my state licensure because all my time in NZ won’t count. Soo, I’ve been doing online continuing education non-stop since Thursday. Not to mention in the midst of all that, we had our first RE appointment here in Minnesota.

We went to Center for Reproductive Medicine (CRM) in Minneapolis. I thought it was really great. The waiting area room was comfortable, and the doctor (Bruce Campbell) himself came out to greet us, rather than a nurse, which was nice. We went back into his office and it reminded me of the scene in Breaking Bad where Walt gets his cancer diagnosis. Big mahogany desk, two soft sitting chairs facing the desk and papers. He was great and just reviewed everything he knew about us from our records from NZ and reaffirmed the unexplained sub fertility diagnosis before explaining where he wants to go from here.

He told us in a comical way that if you take all of “you folk” who can’t get pregnant easily and throw them in a bucket, and do certain  things, x number will get pregnant, and you just keep going to the next cycle where x number more will. So he wants to throw as many sperm at as many eggs (within reason) to see what happens. And we are so excited to do that. Luckily (by the grace of God), despite a BFN my period was 3 days late so instead of seeing the doctor on day 5 (meaning we couldn’t do anything this month), we saw him on day 2, so we went from consult to the hooha wand to get a baseline follicle count and off we go to get clomid. As I had already resolved in my head that I wanted to move on to IUI, we were excited that things were moving so fast. I just couldn’t help but think there was a reason everything went so smoothly, including my period lining up correctly. So, I’m back to hopeful for this month. Isn’t this just a roller coaster? Happy to sad, Hopeful to hopeless back to hopeful, content and grieving, all in one day! We are like super-heros. Lability Woman, to the rescue!


Note: This is not anatomically correct…or is it? Haha


When someone at risk of feeling the same emotion for more than a day- we’ll be there, when someone is really happy about their current situation, we’ll be there, when on the brink of despair, we’ll be there to change your mood instantly!

So, now I’m on C again (I like that name better, makes me fell tougher, like I’m on street drugs) and will wait and see how this cycle rolls out. I’m actually not feeling too nervous, because I feel like even though it’s my first IUI, I know the gist, have already done the meds and have read about so many others that I feel like I’ve done it before. I am a bit nervous for the trigger shot, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there in 7-12 days!

I’m praying for all of you out there!


Straya break!

We are more than halfway through our vacation in Straya! Straya is a lot like Australia, only more Strayan. [“Straya” is how Aussie girls say Australia, and in NZ, we kind of make fun of the way they say it, like a “valley girl”.]

This month is the first month since we started TTC 18 months ago that I am not counting anything! Since we are traveling, I am taking a break from drugs, scans, temps and mucus– and just having fun. I’m having some wine and coffee (not going overboard, but enjoying myself) and we are doing all kinds of amazing things. Of most interest we went scuba diving at the Great Barrier Reef!


My husband is not comfortable in the water, hence the devil look. I am so proud of him for conquering his fear and doing it!

So I don’t know what cycle day I’m on (though I could figure it out pretty easily, but choose not to!) and the hubs and I have agreed to a “no forced intercourse” rule for this month. We just do what we feel like! I have to say it’s pretty freeing. I am not anxious and the hubs isn’t either. That could have something to do with the fact that we are on holiday, but I’ll take whatever peace I can get.


So we’ll continue on our adventure and hopefully keep the peace and not worry when we get back home. We have an appointment scheduled with an RE for a couple weeks after we get home, so we can relax and know there is nothing we can do this month to help our odds,  so we can just relax. So you probably won’t hear from me for another couple of weeks or so while I enjoy and unplug. I’m praying for all you ladies back home though!!

I leave you with my favorite part of Straya so far…Wallabies! They are so much better than kangaroos because they are smaller and cuddlier. We went to a wildlife habitat where you get to feed them. We loved it so much, we went back a second time! I am in love and wish wallabies were native to Minnesota 😦 Maybe I can just adopt 10 wallabies and be a den mother for all of them? I think I would be fulfilled…


My new best friends!