Half way!

Well, we are more than half way to our destination. I was 20 weeks last Thursday and it seems so crazy that I can be that far along. I still forget I’m pregnant quite often at work as I wear scrubs and am so busy, I just don’t have time for outside thoughts. Today I had to do a procedure I haven’t done since being pregnant and totally hurt my back as I forgot I can’t posture myself how I used to. It’s silly to think really–I should always be thinking about the babe, and what is best for him/her, but I often just forget! I’m sure soon enough I won’t be able to forget. Today I was trying to bend over my table to reach my patient’s handout to circle something and thought “ouch! I can’t do that anymore!” I’m going to have to get up and go over to his side, or just ask him to pass him paper to me 🙂

Speaking of 20 weeks, that is the magical time most people get to find out the gender of their precious one. Well, not us. When we got to our appointment last week, excited beyond belief, I was asked by the nurse as she took my weight “So when are you going to have your ultrasound?” My response “um, today…that is what we are here for”. Nope. The front desk had not scheduled us for an ultrasound, but just a checkup, so the tech had left for the day 😦 I’m embarrassed to say I was near tears because I was just so excited! I had a full schedule of patients until the following Wednesday, when I had a little wiggle room to get it done. So…we’ll get to find out this week [hopefully].

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It has been another good exercise in patience for me. I think since we got pregnant I have forgot about all the patience I practice for the last year and a half and was getting back in the swing of getting things my way, in my time. So I’ve been trying to patiently wait for our next appt, to find out if we’ll be having a girl or boy.

Other than wanting to sleep all day, things have still been going well and we just can’t wait until the next 20 weeks are done, and we have our little babe.

xTally

Bump ahead

I’ll be 20 weeks in a few days and am still having guilt issues about our success in getting pregnant. I have yet to wear tight fitting clothing to show up my blossoming bump. I wear loose shirts, jackets and stretchy pants so I just look lazy and disheveled. My husband wants me show off my belly, but I just feel that if I do, it looks obnoxious.

I know at some point no matter what I wear it will be obvious what is growing underneath (and soon I will grow out of my clothes and have to get maternity clothes which tend to exaggerate the belly), but I still feel like if I wear clothes that show off my bump it’s rubbing people’s face in my success. That is how I felt when I was waiting. Every big belly made me want to cry and punch that woman for having what I wanted. Now I’m afraid people want to punch me.

I seriously wish there was some kind of sign I could wear explaining our story. Will I ever get over this guilt and be able to embrace and celebrate this time?

In exciting news we get to find out the gender of our baby this week…stay tuned..

You don’t have to explain

Well I have been home most of the week with the world’s worst cold. I can now say my cold is so bad it makes me bleed! (FYI you can bleed from your cervix from excessive coughing…) And there isn’t a whole lot out there that I can take to control symptoms and seeing as I work in hospital with direct patient care, it’s not ideal for me to be going to work until I’m better. So I’m at home, bored, and unable to breathe—that means I have more time to get caught up on some blogging!!

 

 

In the past few weeks I’ve revealed my pregnancy to a few groups of women (book club, church group, work…) and at each event there seems to be the usual shrieking of excitement that comes with a pregnancy announcement, but there also have been some women who kind of avoid eye contact, don’t really react and stay close to the edge of the conversation.

I just want you all out there who are secretly struggling to know: I get it. You don’t have to explain why you don’t react to a pregnancy announcement with shrill excitement. You don’t have to say a fake “congrats” if you just got your period. I’m sure there are many people out there, whom I encounter every day, who are silently struggling. I usually tell people that we had a hard time getting here, so are really thankful, and hope that at least gives women out there an idea that I’ve been in their shoes. I try to open the conversation door so they can know I’m an open book and can ask me anything you want, or not.

I really try to talk about our difficulty so everyone, not just the struggling ones, hear what its like and know that it is common and should’t be a secret. I feel a little more brave now that I’m “expecting” (I still hate pregnancy terms like that…) and can say to a group of moms how it was really hard, and every time people who already had kids told me how it easy it was for them, ask why we don’t have kids yet or what I should try next or say I could have one of theirs, how it made me really upset. I hope they actually listen to my words and apply the info to other women in their lives. I felt like I couldn’t say those things while I was waiting because then it seemed like more of a personal attack on those women. But now that my friends all include people I didn’t really know while we were trying, I can’t offend them because they weren’t the ones saying it to me.

So you there, sitting in the corner, avoiding eye contact. It’s ok. I won’t draw attention to you or your current circumstance. Just know I am praying for you.

 

xTally

Getting Real

Warning: This post talks about baby things and if you’re having a bad day, maybe don’t read for now.

 

Not that the positive pregnancy test, ultrasound and ever-tightening clothes (going to have to go maternity here pretty soon!) aren’t real evidence of what I’m cooking, this past week was the first time I really began to believe this is really happening. While lying down in bed I felt this massive “tap” in my pelvic area. It literally made me startle. It took me a minute to realize what it could be.

The baby is kicking! It did it several more times that night before I fell asleep. Then it repeated the same action the following 2 nights. Just as I lie down and get relaxed and start to read, I feel the tap tap tap. Its been so regular even my hubby got to feel it already. I won’t lie and say its not the most magical feeling ever. It give me reassurance that the baby is alive in there and moving around. I really pray that each of get to feel that moment at some point. My husband breaks the moment with “There is something alive inside your stomach, I think we should try to get it out.” Ha.

We have our 20 week ultrasound in 2.5 weeks and I am dying with excitement to find out what we are having. We are pretty set on a girls name, but unsure about boys names (I like quite a few, my husband hates them all), so can’t wait to see if we can stick with what we have, or need to start researching/negotiating boys names.

I know in the last post I mentioned questioning if we should do a “announcement” on social media, and we decided in the end, to not do one. I really think one positive effect of struggling to get to this point, is that now, for us, being parents is all that matters. All the hype about belly pics and announcements, nursery design and gender reveals just don’t have the same appeal they did when we started this journey. We just want the baby in the end. There is nothing wrong with doing them, we just decided its not for us. So we’ll just tell people individually, or email relatives to let them in on the secret. Even though we aren’t that close, I’m really dreading telling Will’s cousin, who was just a week ahead of me, and had a miscarriage somewhere between 7-10 weeks. I imagine that even though their pregnancy was not planned, it will sting to know I am where she should be. Maybe we’ll just let his parents tell them, since we don’t talk to them on a regular basis anyways, just family get-togethers.

Well, hubby is in DC for work for a few days, so I’m heading to Gone Girl with my book club this cold Sunday afternoon. Wherever you people live, if it’s not Minnesota (or maybe Wisconsin as well), be thankful. Winter has already started, which bums me out, because I really like Fall. I would kill for some 60 degree weather right now, and all we’ve got is 40s and 50s with complete cloud coverage/rain for the next 2 weeks!! Lets pray they’re wrong and we get some nice days!

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October 5th and I’m already busting out the long johns!

Blessings,

Tally