Believing is Seeing

Hello! It’s been a while but, I guess the best inspiration for a quiet day of reflecting and writing is when its 90 degrees outside with 80% humidity. Oh, and we don’t have AC, and one of our fans broke last week, the other one shrieks if it’s too humid out, so its unusable. So I’m literally lying on the floor of our concrete unfinished basement floor (thank you flooding) in my skivvies trying to stay cool.

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My little nest today–roughin it!

I had my first visit with an OBGYN last week. I was quite stressed leading up to the visit because when we moved to the cities, I was so focused on an RE, that I didn’t think about if I got pregnant, where I would go. I had my 7 week ultrasound with the CRM (Center for Reproductive Medicine) but after that, they turn you lose to be with the “normal pregnancy population”. I am a bit a procrastinator and when CRM told me to find a clinic, I thought, “yeah yeah, I’ll get there”. Well at 9 weeks, I had done hours of preliminary research, but just couldn’t decide. Midwife or OBGYN; close to home, or close to work…Well I finally picked one by default (many were not accepting new patients) and everything was good.

However, I am a bit nervous about the fact that because we had our first scan at 7 weeks, I have to wait until 20 weeks to do another “free” scan. I am just so fearful that the baby will stop growing or something will be wrong, between my first scan and 2 months from now and I won’t know until 20 weeks and be devastated. But my husband, always the rock asked me “Do you want to be a Peter, or a Thomas?” I didn’t get what he was asking at first, but he explained.

If you read John Chapter 20, you’ll get the full story. In a nutshell, Peter believed that Jesus had risen just by seeing the empty tomb and reports by Mary Magdelene, but Thomas said he would not believe until he actually saw Jesus. John 20:29 -“Then Jesus told him, ‘Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'” Another illustration is from one of my favorite Christmas movies “The Santa Clause”– “Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing”. Sometimes we get so worked up in what is real and needing proof of everything. If we see it, we will believe it, but not until then. Maybe God just wants to remind me of that child-like faith that we are called to have. If I had scans every few weeks, I wouldn’t need to believe, because I’d just be seeing.

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Blessings and good luck to you all in the next few weeks!!!

Tally

Fruit for me?

I know it’s been a while since I’ve been on here. But I finally made myself sit down and write. I’m been meaning to do his for a few weeks, but just haven’t had the words or time to really think about it, so just kept putting it off. We’ve got good news. Our IUI worked and we are on our way to a bump!

I’ve been wrestling with this news for a long time for several reasons. 1) I thought it was too good to be true 2) I felt guilty that it worked for me while so many others continued to struggle, 3) I was sure it was going to end badly, and 4) Each time I was about to sit down to write, another blogger/friend posted a BFN or loss and I just didn’t want to rub wounds. Well, I’m almost 10 weeks now and still think it’s too good to be true. I still have guilt when I read others’ posts about their heartache, I am still worried it will end badly- (especially after hearing about a family member’s recent loss around the point I’m at) and I’m sure as soon as I post this, someone else will be on CD1 and it will upset them.

I have so many thoughts that I want to share before I know some people with stop following my blog (which I know is inevitable as I did it too). I don’t know how to tie them together nicely, so I’ll just bullet point them. Do you mind?

  • I would have never gotten to this place with my spirit in tact if it weren’t for my fellow bloggers and God. There were so many hopeless days filled with joy because of something someone else posted, or something that made me realize how lucky I actually was in my life. The comments on my blogs that gave me the strength to keep moving. If you don’t know Elisha, you better get to know her. She is the fiercest Jesus warrior I know! I dare you to write a negative, “woe is me” post and not get a positive comment or a care package in the mail. I know when she gets to share her good news, she will have hundreds of people congratulating her.
  • I kept this news to myself for a few reasons. Some were mentioned above (fear of miscarriage and guilt). Also, with sharing so much of my life on the blog with people who I don’t know as well as friends and family. I wanted to have something  that was just mine to cherish. I have no control over so many things in life, I wanted to control how a few people in my life got our news. I wanted to surprise some people with the news when I was ready, rather than find out on my blog.
  • I am still here for you all. When someone “recovers” from a life changing disease they don’t just pick up and move on, forgetting all they’ve experienced. No, the cancer survivor visits her old friends while they’re getting chemo, and continues to advocate for their needs. The man who just got a lung transplant, still calls his friends who are on the waiting list to fill them with hope and listen to their sorrows. Please know I am always here and you can always post a comment and I will respond. God has put infertility on my heart as a badge I will wear courageously. I will never stop bringing awareness and hope for those who have to go through it.
  • I know that God put me through this trial so I could become the person he intended me to be. My life had been so easy pre-fertility challenges and to be honest, I didn’t really need God in my life. Everything just always fell my way. I have been humbled through this experience and learned not to depend on my own understanding of odds, chances, plans, or my own mental strength, but put my trust in Him and come to him broken. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
  • This blog has really been a space for me to reach out and try to find people like me, so I didn’t feel so alone in my struggles. And it just that. I have loved sharing my life with all of you. I am still struggling with feelings and emotions and will continue to use this blog to talk about them. They probably won’t be as frequent, but I’ll try to get on regularly to let everyone know how I’m doing and hash out any complex feelings I’m having.
  • I still get irritated with pregnancy announcements and pregnant/mommy talk. I hope I get to the point where it doesn’t bother me anymore, but for some reason, I still have a hard time being happy for people who get pregnant by accident. So I get it if you’re irritated with me. No offense taken. Oh, and no obligatory “congrats (but in my mind I hate you)” comments needed. I get it. You don’t have to be happy for me right now, and thats ok.
  • Lastly, I am so thankful that God has blessed me with this child. I will cherish this time forever, no matter what happens from here on out. Every day I thank God for giving me another day of being pregnant. I do not take for granted that tomorrow I could wake up and everything could change. I hold tight to each day I am given with this baby.

So, there you have it. I’m pregnant. Looks like the fruit nazi has finally let me have my fruit! Hope you are next!

Blessings,

Tally