Straya break!

We are more than halfway through our vacation in Straya! Straya is a lot like Australia, only more Strayan. [“Straya” is how Aussie girls say Australia, and in NZ, we kind of make fun of the way they say it, like a “valley girl”.]

This month is the first month since we started TTC 18 months ago that I am not counting anything! Since we are traveling, I am taking a break from drugs, scans, temps and mucus– and just having fun. I’m having some wine and coffee (not going overboard, but enjoying myself) and we are doing all kinds of amazing things. Of most interest we went scuba diving at the Great Barrier Reef!

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My husband is not comfortable in the water, hence the devil look. I am so proud of him for conquering his fear and doing it!

So I don’t know what cycle day I’m on (though I could figure it out pretty easily, but choose not to!) and the hubs and I have agreed to a “no forced intercourse” rule for this month. We just do what we feel like! I have to say it’s pretty freeing. I am not anxious and the hubs isn’t either. That could have something to do with the fact that we are on holiday, but I’ll take whatever peace I can get.

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So we’ll continue on our adventure and hopefully keep the peace and not worry when we get back home. We have an appointment scheduled with an RE for a couple weeks after we get home, so we can relax and know there is nothing we can do this month to help our odds,  so we can just relax. So you probably won’t hear from me for another couple of weeks or so while I enjoy and unplug. I’m praying for all you ladies back home though!!

I leave you with my favorite part of Straya so far…Wallabies! They are so much better than kangaroos because they are smaller and cuddlier. We went to a wildlife habitat where you get to feed them. We loved it so much, we went back a second time! I am in love and wish wallabies were native to Minnesota 😦 Maybe I can just adopt 10 wallabies and be a den mother for all of them? I think I would be fulfilled…

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My new best friends!

A Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother’s Day. I know you don’t like material gifts, so I thought you would rather have a letter. I don’t know how to start it, except to say that on this Mother’s Day I want you to know how much I appreciate you as my mom and want to let you in to my world.

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When we told you we were moving to New Zealand, you were so happy for us. We Skyped often and I was my usual bubbly self, talking fast about all the things we were doing and going to do. I told you everything that was going on in my life. Our first 6 months in New Zealand were great and we felt like we were on top of the world. Then we decided we were ready to have a baby.

I was so excited to fly the nest and do this on my own. I’ve always been very independent and thought this would be the ultimate experience for Will and I to have alone. I didn’t need my mom to be there in the hospital and to help me through my first few weeks of motherhood. I was tough, I would do it all with a smile on my face. You would come visit when the baby was 2 or 3 months old and be amazed at what a good mother I was. The baby was so cute and well behaved. The house was clean and I looked great. I had everything planned out.

We told everyone we weren’t going to start “trying” until we moved back from New Zealand, so we were so excited at the thought of surprising everyone with the news that we were going to have a baby in New Zealand. Will and I had thought that when we came home in April, we’d be announcing that we were pregnant. I was so upset that the timing was off, and we’d probably have to tell you over Skype when it happened. But it just kept not happening.

As the months passed by, as a year passed by, and now as 18 months pass by, there are so many emotions. I didn’t feel like myself. I’ve never been anything but self-assured and happy before. I was sad, anxious, jealous, hopeful, hopeless, excited and nervous. I didn’t know how to deal with myself so I retreated inward. I stopped talking to you, I was awkward when we did talk and just didn’t like life. I know you noticed. You tried to help by telling me encouraging things, but that is just not what I wanted to hear at the time. I don’t know how to talk about how I feel when I talk to you; it just feels weird. There was nothing you could do to make me better. You couldn’t solve my problems.

I’m sorry that my crappy luck has affected you. I’m sorry you’ve lost the daughter who always made you smile for a year and a half. I’m sorry I avoided you. I’m sorry things haven’t worked out as planned. You should be a grandma again by now.

I really hope that soon you’ll get your daughter back. I’m trying really hard to feel like “me” again, but it is not easy. I’m able to fake it sometimes, but usually I just feel phony. So thank you for understanding that this has been the hardest period of my life and the ride is not over yet. I hope you enjoy reading my blog and can get an insider’s view to how I am and what is going on without me having to talk about it. It’s a win-win.

Love,

Tally

My Leap of Faith

Let me start this post out my assuring you I’m not pregnant. Far from it. But, yesterday while doing last minute shopping in New Zealand, I actually bought something for our future child. There is a store here that makes gorgeous New Zealand themed onesies and I always envisioned buying one over the past year and a half, once I got that BFP. Well, the BFP never came, but now we are leaving NZ and won’t have the chance to buy it again. So, in a moment of fully trusting God that He will bless us with a child one day, I just grabbed it off the shelf and ran to the cash register before I could change my mind.

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The subtle Kiwiana details of a sheep, fantail bird and fern. So cute!

I was feeling good until she asked me if it was a gift. “Oh no, this is for me, but I’m not pregnant so I’m just getting it for sometime in the future because I believe that God will give me a child.” “Yes”. So she wrapped it up in tissue all nicely.

I told hubby about it and he said he really liked that I did that! I was a bit nervous he would think I was dumb or getting my hopes up.

So there it is. My first leap of faith showing that I even at the times where I feel the most hopeless, I can still praise Him and act as if I already have all the gifts He is going to give me.

Blessings,

Tally

Trusting God

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Today at church our new pastor’s wife spoke. Honestly, at first I was a bit disappointed. I thought, “oh bummer, on our last day at St. Paul’s we’ll have to listen to her tell us about herself instead of a sermon…” Well, I was pleasantly surprised.

Right out of the get go, she explained that although she was “Christian” her whole life, she didn’t really have a need for God until she was 32. [My mind instantly thinks, 32 is about the age where people either have kids/find out they can’t have kids. She either is going to complain about how hard it is to be a mom or tell us she struggled to conceive.] She then explained how she had control and anger issues [hello, its like looking in a mirror] and that she was always able to make her will be done rather than His. She just worked harder and her will always happened. She didn’t trust that God would make anything in her life happen, so she had to make what she wanted happen [pretty much sums up my life until now].

Until she was diagnosed with…pregnant pause…infertility. [Oh my gosh, this is so great that this beautiful, poised wife of a handsome pastor has the same thing I do and struggled in the same way I’m struggling now]. She said she didn’t want to go into details, and that story is meant for another time and place, but just that through prayer with others about her struggle, people kept telling her that God wants her to let go of control–and that made her angry. She continued to pray with people and feel that she needed to let go of her plans and trust that God has a plan for her and as is said in The Lord’s Prayer “YOUR kingdom come, YOUR will be done.” She felt that God wanted to her work on that during her time of pain/depression/anxiety and everything that else that goes along with infertility.

This really resonated with me because I had prayed that exact prayer before with the exact intentions. I was trying to ask for Him to change my heart to want his wants and that I really wanted His will to be done, and not think my will was more important or better. I thankfully have not battled depression or anxiety, but simply have moments of extreme sadness, fearfulness and anxiousness—and that is so hard, I can’t imagine actually having battling them full force.

Her whole talk just really gave me hope that I can trust God. After 6 1/2 years of infertility, she was finally blessed with a child, and then 2 more! She was finally able to trust God and let go of her need to control situations. But if I’m being honest with myself, that is the biggest hurdle I face right now in my Christian walk. I am AFRAID to trust God. I am AFRAID that if I trust Him fully, He might have plans for me that don’t involve having a baby and that would crush me.

So there. I’m a scaredy cat.

Please pray that I can continue to get closer to God and believe that I can full put my trust in Him that He will write us a happy story.

Blessings,

Tally

It’s Starting…

Mother’s Day is a little more than a week away and the cultural assault on non-mothers via newspapers, internet, TV, billboard and store marketing has started.

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To be honest, some of the ads don’t bother me. I love my mom so it’s great to thank her. Ads that show adult children loving on their moms is heartwarming. What I don’t like is the ads that make it seem that motherhood and giving birth is the epitome of a great woman and the best thing a woman can ever do. The ones where the whole world  is rejoicing that she is pregnant or has a new born, and that because she is now a mom, she really has climbed the ladder of societal acclaim. So therefore, if you aren’t a mom, you mean nothing to society. Ouch.

And to top it off, I’ll be staying with a first time mom for mother’s day weekend in Melbourne. Hopefully since they know what we’re going through they won’t make a big fuss of it in front of us, but on the other hand, they don’t know how all the little things can sting so they might unknowingly say and do things that will hurt me. Good thing I’ve got Jesus to hold on to.

I think it’s no coincidence that twice today this scripture was given to me. Once by a Salvation Army donation collector and once in my email via the Amazima newsletter. The Salvation Army in the US would NEVER be allowed to hand out bible verses to people who put money in the bucket! So this is the verse I will meditate on this Mother’s Day season.

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I wish you all strength in these next few weeks to endure the suffering and sadness.

xxTally