Resolve to Know More

So I’m guessing a lot of people’s readers will be full of blogs with this title, but I thought, hey, why not join in the fun?  It’s National Infertility Awareness Week and I thought I would capture the theme of this year by writing a letter to myself before we started this messed-up journey with all the things I wish I knew then.

resolve

 

 

 

 

Dear Tally,

I know you are so excited that you and Will have decided to have a baby, but let me tell you, it’s not as easy as the world makes it out to be. I know since a lot of your friends have recently told you they got pregnant on the first month, you thought it would happen right away, but that’s not what God has planned for you.

Your life has been easy up until now, you’ve not suffered much, and you’ve accomplished everything you’ve tried by working hard and having a little luck. Well my dear, God has chosen you to be the 1 in 8 couples that struggle to get pregnant, so get ready to have your world rocked.

Don’t start planning how you’re going to decorate a nursery and pinning maternity clothes on Pinterest. Don’t stop buying new clothes because you think you’ll be too big to wear them soon, or keep clothes in your closet that clearly don’t fit or that you don’t like because they’d be good to hide anything when you first start to show. Wear what makes you look good now, because you won’t always feel good.

Jealousy is going to be a big part of your life for the next 18 months. You need to get a grip on it now and maintain that tight grip. Pray and meditate on the fact that God has a plan for you and nothing you do or don’t do will make it change. It will be hard for you to see so many friends announce pregnancies and have babies while you continue to wait. Some of your best friends will get pregnant easily and you will be happy for them, and smile, but when you get to your car, you will sob, and that’s ok.

Just get off Facebook now. It’s a waste of time and you’ll feel a lot better when you aren’t constantly being reminded of what other people have that you don’t. You won’t miss it.

You should make an appointment with your doctor when you feel like things aren’t right. I know they say you should wait one year, but you will know something is wrong with your cycles and hormones, so don’t be afraid to step out and speak up. Others may try to tell you to relax and not worry, but you know your body well and you know in your gut something isn’t right. And when you meet with the doctor, write down your questions and make sure you ask them. When you are in the room you will be very nervous and end up being a passive participant in your first few appointments because you are intimidated by the process and your lack of knowledge. Speak up when you don’t understand something your doctor says.

Oh and that acne that you got when you were in college and went off the pill for a few months, that was child’s play compared to what you are going to get. Be prepared for it to last for a while and start your preventative scar treatments now. Use your Traumeel cream and a gentle face cleanser, that’s it. No harsh chemicals and expensive products are going to work, so don’t waste your time, money and sensitive skin on them. You’re going to feel ugly and unfeminine. Just know that your husband loves you for you, not for your appearance and don’t call yourself ugly in front of him–he will get angry. Wear makeup even when you don’t feel like it, trust me, you just feel better and more like yourself when you do.

You are going to be so nervous to go to your first pray for babies night at church, but after 6 months of actively trying you will already feel sad, lonely, and frustrated, so it’s worth it to start connecting to people now. Be brave and own your story. Yes, some others have been trying for a lot longer, and you feel stupid for feeling how you do after only 6 months when they’ve been trying for 5 years, but I bet they wish they started going to those groups earlier.

When you start to tell people about your story, you’ll find out there are so many more out there just like you. You are not the only one who cries during diaper commercials or gets excited when you have egg white-like stuff coming out of your hooha. You’ll be afraid to tell people you know, some will have an amazing reaction you didn’t expect (like Will’s brother) and others will disappoint you with their reactions. You’ll start blogging and find there is a great community of support and understanding from people all over the world going down the same path. You won’t be ready to tell everyone you know or broadcast it on social media, and that’s ok. You will someday.

This is going to be hard on Will too, but it will manifest in a different way. You might get frustrated with him sometimes, but be kind to him. He is a gentle soul and that’s why you picked him to be your life partner and father to your future children.

Most of all Tally, I want you to remember that you are loved and cherished by God. He has not forsaken you and He will make you a mother. It may be different from how you imagined it, but it will be amazing. Your story is not finished yet. I can’t tell you how long you’ll have to wait to be called “mommy” but I know when you hear those words for the first time, you will look back at all the money and time spent on this journey and be thankful.

Love,

me

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7 thoughts on “Resolve to Know More

  1. Such a good letter. But remember God didn’t choose this path for you ( he can only do good…infertility is not in his plan) but he is going to work it out for your good and his glory! Amen!!!! Xoxox! You are so awesome and strong!

  2. I love that you decided to write yourself a letter to share a perspective that’s different from what you imagined years ago. I agree with Elisha, infertility was not sent from Him BUT He is the One who can take you through to victory. Stay hope-filled!

  3. Your letter reminds me of a letter I wrote to myself … And the rollarcoaster ride I never expected 24 years ago. I love the title of your blog … Check out my book, A Gift for Little Tree – a parable about apples, adoption and love. It’s all about fruitlessness and hope, and how the Farmer loves his orchard. http://www.giftforlittletree.com. Blessings to you.

  4. Hi Tally,
    I love your letter and the title, “No Fruit for You”! Your words remind me of my own 4 year journey of anguish 20-24 years ago.
    My I introduce my children’s book with you because it follows your theme of fruitlessness: check out A Gift for Little Tree – a parable about apples, adoption and love. http://www.giftforlittletree.com

    Praying God’s best blessings for you. Psst… The Farmer loves you.

    Warmly, Colleen

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