Back to work it is!

So, today I applied for 2 full-time positions! Woohoo! One is at a hospital (30-45 min commute) and the other at a transitional care facility (15-20 min commute). I decided that God gave me these 2 job openings just when I was looking for a reason. I had some clarity yesterday that I should just apply for both and let God show me what job I should be in. Maybe I’ll get offered both, maybe¬†neither, but I’m going to try for it and see what happens.

I’m still a bit nervous for how to explain my lack of employment for the past 12 months. I feel like saying “I stopped working so I could attend all my acupuncture appointments, exercise daily, eat nutritiously and lower my stress so I could get pregnant” is not the appropriate answer. I’m guessing if I’m asked that, I’ll say something along the lines of “personal reasons” and timing of our inevitable move back home.

I am super excited to see what the future holds, and am super confident that God will make it all turn out how it supposed to, so I might as well enjoy the ride. I’ve let go of some control this month (didn’t track temps/days) and am just feeling more ok with the fact that my life will turn out just how it is supposed to.

So I’ll let you know how the application process goes and hopefully I’ll have a BFP and a BFC (big fat contract) in the next few months ūüôā

xTally

 

Advertisements

Hurry up and Wait

Well, we are in the 2ww again. This time, we are leaving for a month long vacation pretty much the day we find out, which will either be a fun way to celebrate, or a nice consolation prize. We are having 2 weeks in Aus on our way back to US, then have 2 weeks off with the family in Iowa/Chicago before moving into our new house!

This month I was more hopeful as I had a nice big follicle “ready to pop” per the MD who did the scan. Problems with perfectly timed intercourse have made me slightly less hopeful, but hey, God can do miracles and sperm can be super patient ūüôā We have decided that maybe it’s time to start considering IUI when we get home, since timing has been one of our biggest downfalls from the beginning. I hate going through all the side effects and costs of a Clomid monitored cycles to miss the window. Hubby is not super keen on the idea, but admits logistically it would cause less stress on both of us. We’re praying about the next steps now–feel free to add us to your prayer list!

My side effects were a little different to last month, but a lot the same. I had the same very mild headache and cramping while taking the pill, but then also had major hot flashes after,¬†which¬†have since subsided. The worst stuff this month has been horrible cramping, bloating and nausea since stopping the pill. Like, stop what your doing and lie on the floor nausea. It’s never lasted too long, but of course when you are out with friends and instantly get a wave of nausea that is apparent on your face what do they all ask?? I think you know the answer…

We’ve moved out of our apartment and are now in hotel for 2 weeks which will be fun. Even though Will is still working, it seems like we are already on vacation. Plus, we just got a flash new rental car. Hopefully we’ll enjoy our last 2 weeks in New Zealand and not¬†worry about the end of the 2ww.

Blessings,

Tally

Resolve to Know More

So I’m guessing a lot of people’s readers will be full of blogs with this title, but I thought, hey, why not join in the fun? ¬†It’s National Infertility Awareness Week and I thought I would capture the theme of this year by writing a letter to myself before we started this messed-up journey with all the things I wish I knew then.

resolve

 

 

 

 

Dear Tally,

I know you are so excited that you and Will have decided¬†to have a baby, but let me tell you, it’s not as easy as the world makes it out to be. I know since a lot of your friends have recently told you they got pregnant on the first month, you thought it would happen right away, but that’s not what God has planned for you.

Your life has been easy up until now, you’ve not suffered much, and you’ve accomplished everything you’ve tried by working hard and having a little luck. Well my dear, God has chosen you to be the 1 in 8 couples that struggle to get pregnant, so get ready to have your world rocked.

Don’t start planning how you’re going to decorate a nursery and pinning maternity clothes¬†on Pinterest. Don’t stop buying new clothes because you think you’ll be too big to wear them soon, or keep clothes in your closet that clearly don’t fit or that you don’t like because they’d be good to hide anything when you first start to show. Wear what makes you look good now, because you won’t always feel good.

Jealousy is going to be a big part of your life for the next 18 months. You need to get a grip on it now and maintain that tight grip. Pray and meditate on the fact that God has a plan for you and nothing you do or don’t do will make it change. It will be hard for you to see so many friends announce pregnancies and have babies while you continue to wait. Some of your best friends will get pregnant easily and you will be happy for them, and smile, but when you get to your car, you will sob, and that’s ok.

Just get off Facebook now. It’s a waste of time and you’ll feel a lot better when you aren’t constantly being reminded of what other people have that you don’t.¬†You won’t miss it.

You should make an appointment with your doctor when you feel like things aren’t right. I know they say you should wait one year, but you will know something is wrong with your cycles and hormones, so don’t be afraid to step out and speak up. Others may try to tell you to relax and not worry, but you know your body well and you know in your gut something isn’t right. And when you meet with the doctor, write down your questions and make sure you ask them. When you are in the room you will be very nervous and end up being a passive participant in your first few appointments because you are intimidated by the process and your lack of knowledge. Speak up when you don’t understand something your doctor says.

Oh and that acne that you got when you were in college and went off the pill for a few months, that was child’s play compared to what you are going to get. Be prepared for it to last for a while and start your preventative scar treatments now. Use your Traumeel cream and a gentle face cleanser, that’s it. No harsh chemicals and expensive products are going to work, so don’t waste your time, money and sensitive skin on them. You’re going to feel ugly and unfeminine. Just know that your husband loves you for you, not for your appearance and don’t call yourself ugly in front of him–he will get angry. Wear makeup even when you don’t feel like it, trust me, you just feel better and more like yourself when you do.

You¬†are going to be¬†so nervous to go to your first pray for babies night at church, but after 6 months of actively trying¬†you will already feel sad, lonely, and frustrated, so it’s worth it to start connecting to people now. Be brave and own your story. Yes, some others have been trying for a lot longer, and you feel stupid for feeling how you do after only 6 months when they’ve been trying for 5 years, but I bet they wish they started going to those groups earlier.

When you start to tell people about your story, you’ll find out there are so many more out there just like you. You are not the only one who cries during diaper commercials or gets excited when you have egg white-like stuff coming out of your hooha. You’ll be afraid to tell people you know, some will have an amazing reaction you didn’t expect (like Will’s brother) and others will disappoint you with their reactions. You’ll start blogging and find there is a great community of support and understanding from people all over the world going down the same path. You won’t be¬†ready to tell everyone you know or broadcast it on social media, and that’s ok. You will someday.

This is going to be hard on Will too, but it will manifest in a different way. You might get frustrated with him sometimes, but be kind to him. He is a gentle soul and that’s why you picked him to be your life partner and father to your future children.

Most of all Tally, I want you to remember that you are loved and cherished by God. He has not forsaken you and He will make you a mother. It may be different from how you imagined it, but it will be amazing. Your story is not finished yet. I can’t tell you how long you’ll have to wait to be called “mommy” but I know when you hear those words for the first time, you will look back at all the money and time spent on this journey and be thankful.

Love,

me

Check out these links to learn more:

Stay-at-Home vs Working Infertile

So we’ve all heard the term “working mom” and how hard it can be to balance working with needs of your children (home sick, day care, doctors appts, after school events), and it has caused a lot of debate in the US, but how to does the working trying-to-become-mom balance her life?

Unknown

Last year¬†I hated my job (even though it was easy) because my employers were not good people to work for. Since we started TTC, I thought I could just put up with it until I got pregnant, then would only have to stay with them for 8-9 more months, then could take maternity leave and not go back. Well as you all know, that plan didn’t suss out. I didn’t want to look for a new job because I would feel bad if they hired me, then I got pregnant right away (knowing I want to stay home with my babies). At one point we’d been trying for about 6 months with no avail, so I thought, hey, I’m going to apply for this great new challenging job at just go for it. If I get pregnant, great! If I don’t, I’ll be making more money to put towards treatments. Well, I got the job! So I started working at the hospital in town and loved it. It was full-time, but no over-time/late nights so I was still able to feel un-stressed. Then, my grandma got sick and ended up passing away only 3 weeks into the job and I made the decision I was going to come home for the funeral and stay on to spend time with my grandpa for a few weeks. If you’re going to pay $2,000 for a plane ticket, you don’t just stay a few days.

Due to several factors, I made the decision to resign from the hospital and do all the things I wanted to do. My job was going to be getting pregnant. I went to acupuncture, I made super healthy meals, I exercised daily. We went on vacations. I did everything I could to help us get pregnant. Well, that didn’t work either and then we were stuck with 4 months left in the country and me not working. Again, I didn’t feel like I could apply for new jobs knowing we had plane tickets home in 4 months, so I’ve been a stay-at-home infertile. I have been filling my time babysitting, hanging with friends, being my husband’s secretary and experimenting in the kitchen. It’s been great, but when we get home I’ll be ready to get back to work.

There's a simple way to keep your home spring-clean fresh all year through.

I’ve started to contact some people about getting a job and am excited at a few prospects, but something is holding me back. I’m worried how my upcoming treatments/appointments/side effects will interfere with my job. It’s not a big deal if you start a new job with kids and have to leave early occasionally because your kid is sick. Everyone gets it, so they are understanding. What do you tell people when you have to leave early to have your ovaries scanned to see how big your follicles are?¬†What if I get hot flashes in a patient’s room and pass out? Do you tell your boss the truth and hope she understands (my bosses are usually women:)), or do you just keep blocking off time for “doctor’s appointments” and “personal days” and not tell anyone? Are my co-workers going to think I’m lazy if I’m taking long lunches to go to appointments? If I went back to my old job, I’d be fine telling people (my old boss already knows), but I’m scared about starting new working relationships with people.

throattreatmentEDITED

One aspect of my job!

So I’m posing this to you all out there. How do/did you go about working during treatments? I know it’s easier if you have been working at a place for a while so they know you and your work, and can be more understanding, but have any of you changed jobs or started a new job while in the middle of this journey? I’m a very hard worker, so to me, the worst thing that can happen is for someone think I’m lazy or don’t care about my job. I also don’t want to get stressed out (which I am prone to do when really busy). Staying home isn’t an option when we get back. At this point, we need the money, so I need to work for at least a year or so to help us buy furniture, car and maybe a baby (though hopefully one of those things will come for free!)

Thanks for any advice/feedback!

Blind Suffering

Twice in the past week was I given a parable about the blind.

First, in my reading of Pregnant with Hope¬†I was reading the chapter “Answering the Why”. Why were we given this struggle of infertility? This is a great chapter overall, but I was the most struck when she used the blind man in John 9. To review in my own words, they all came upon a blind man and the disciples asked Jesus “who sinned?” to make this man blind. Was it his parents or him? Surely, someone had to be to blame for his suffering. Jesus came back with an answer that really spoke to me: “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works go God might be displayed in his life” [John 9:3]. Wow, I thought. If that is the reason I am going through this, that’s a pretty good reason. If God can use my struggle to show His power, I’ll struggle. I’ve come across this idea before from The Village Church, but now I’m seeing it with new eyes. I frequently listen to sermons from the Village Church and just when I needed it, I found several sermons on suffering/trials.

Here is a link to the ones I found most helpful for suffering:

–¬†The God of all comfort: The varied purposes of suffering and affliction in our lives

–¬†God’s purpose in trials

Our response to trials

Our hope in trials

Our security in trials

I highly recommend having a listen if you have time (about 30-45 min in length), they are amazing, and those aren’t even from Matt Chandler (the lead pastor) who is the best speaker I’ve ever heard…sorry for the sidebar, back on track…

Secondly, this week at church our pastor¬†did a message around Jesus’ entering into Jerusalem and mentioned the blind men in Mark 10:46-52. Essentially, as Jesus is entering the city, it takes a blind man to see that Jesus is Lord, Son of David and calls out to him “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”, and through his faith, Jesus healed him, just because he believed. That story was an intro to the notion that sometimes we can be blind to the big picture. The¬†main¬†message of the sermon¬†was not to get comfortable in the “desert”. Weather it’s infertility, job loss, death of loved ones or just a feel in of being forgotten…we all have been in deserts. Stay in that uncomfortable place of not knowing, because if you get comfortable, you don’t get out. Don’t make a homestead in the “desert” by taking control of your journey, or trying to make something happen. God puts us where we are¬†for a reason, letting us have faith that it will end soon. “Don’t get stuck between Good Friday and Easter Sunday”.

I was thinking hmm…are you trying to tell me something? Then I realized, “Yes, of course!”, nothing is coincidence. Sometimes I feel that we “infertiles” are blind, that is our affliction, our desert. Why? Not because we are bad people or did anything wrong, but so that God can show his power through us. How awesome is that? God chose us! So how are you letting God show his power through you? Something for us all to ponder this week in whatever place we are in our journeys.

Blessings,

Tally

Coping better than Britney?

As I start¬†another cycle of Clomid and am barraged with more pregnancy announcements I ask myself: how am I going to get through this? I had no idea my life would get this hard. ¬†How am I going to deal if this continues for many more months, and years? I can’t cope anymore. The pain feels like more than I can bear and we’re only 16 months into this thing.

Then I realized, you just have to cope. (Note my usage of the word “cope” = get through).¬†There is no alternative to coping. There are good and bad ways of coping, but nothing short of dropping dead will make me not cope.¬†No matter how bad I feel today or how I think I just can’t handle this anymore, tomorrow I will still be battling infertility. I can’t stop it.

I saw this meme on Pinterest and it just made me laugh¬†and totally spoke to the last few days I’d been having.

 

images

Truth.

I have been doing my Bible studies each day here and here and it is helping, it really is. But as the old adage says “Rome wasn’t built in a day”. I still have doubts and fears. I’m still worried about what the future holds. I still wonder: Will I ever see what my husband’s and my genes will create (I think it would be a pretty great outcome…)? I must stay strong and hold onto the belief that I will become a mother someday and even though God hasn’t promised it directly to me, he has given me the heart of a mother for a reason. Nothing is coincidence.

How Exciting

This past weekend in my kicking infertility’s butt series, I completed the 20k Tongariro Alpine Crossing with Will and another couple this weekend. We spent the whole weekend in the area since it was about 4 hours drive from Auckland. A nurse from the clinic called to talk to me about my last cycle and next plans while I was in the car with one of them and so obviously I said some things while on the phone that I felt I had to explain. Things like “day 10”, “day 1”, “same dosage”, “earlier scan”…

So I filled in this friend on our situation. Most people we’ve told have reacted in a way that I expect with saying they were sorry or something like that. This friend responded to me explaining that we were undergoing fertility treatment with “How exciting!”. At first, I was taken aback. I was thinking no, not exciting, sad. Sad was the word you were looking for.

Then later on while discussing the amount of wine that needed to be purchased for the weekend, I had to explain that I would not be drinking any, and not for the usual reason women of my age give. His response was something very similar. He smiled and I can’t remember his exact words, but they were also positive.

It really got me thinking. Am I looking at this wrong? I feel like I’m using a ladle to bail out a sinking ship and they think I should be excited. But you know what? I am excited. I am excited about the possibility of using modern medicine and The Lord¬†to grant my deepest desire that hasn’t come easily to me. I’m excited that we’ve been able to do 2 cycles of Clomid before moving home. I’m excited that my turn is coming up. I’m excited that this could actually work.

So that’s where I’m going to be this week, excited.

Here are some pics of my colossal hike this weekend.

IMG_2799

Me in front of Mt. Ngauruhoe. This is the volcano used in Lord of the Rings as Mt. Doom

IMG_2832

IMG_2829