The awkward girl at the party

Disclaimer: As usual, I give no blame to people in this post. I know they did nothing but act normal. It just illustrates how crazy infertility can make you!

This weekend we had a going away party for some our very dear friends, who happen to be pregnant. Very early on in the planning stages some of the other guests were emailing everyone asking if we’re all going to go in on some baby gifts for them. I stealthily kaboshed that idea because first off, she is only 11 weeks pregnant and for sure will have a shower that I’ll send a gift for and second, they only have their suitcases to move home with and don’t have room for tons of stuff *whew*. Of course while those reasons are valid, there was a third…I didn’t want this nice going away party that I was hosting to turn into a impromptu baby shower where discussion is all about baby stuff. I don’t go to those parties, so why would I want a party I’m planning to be one!

So when people started arriving, I noticed a few people had little gift bags with them in pastel colors and from local baby boutiques–I panicked. I just left the room for a bit to do stuff in the kitchen and assumed the gifts would be presented upon arrival since this was not a formal gift giving party. The night went on and, as it does when there was a group of only women and pregnant women in a room, the conversation turned to babies. A 9 month old was present and we were all playing with him, then someone asked how my pregnant friend felt, could she believe there was one of those growing in her tummy, is she starting to show, etc. They all laughed as she commented on how she’ll think about it later, because right now she just feels like crap and no she’s not showing, she’s just getting fat. *ping in the gut*. The “pregnancy humor” is something that really makes me sad for some reason. Women referring to themselves as whales; or how they peed their pants; or joking about sex; or “you just wait until ___” ; it all makes me sad that I’m not a part of it and that in some way, again, in my crazy world, I feel patronized when they make those jokes. Kind of the same patronizing humor people who are 35 use on people who are 25 (“oh you’re too young to remember [enter childhood tv show]”) and people who are married use on people who aren’t married (“oh just wait until you get married, then you’ll never want to have sex”). I consciously don’t make jokes like that anymore because I realize how irritating it really is.

I just looked at the ground silently hoping they would stop. I diverted the conversation back to the 9 month old and then later left for a different group of guests. Hopefully I played that one off well and no one noticed.

After dinner we were all sitting around the living room and I saw a guest walk towards the going away honorees with the baby gift bags. *ping in the heart* Even though I literally was just walking back in the room from going to the bathroom, I excused myself to the bathroom again to go sit it out. Picture this (well actually don’t picture it, but imagine the overall scene): Me sitting on a toilet tearing up (not full blown crying!) as I listened to all the “awws” and “oohs” and giggles coming from the other room as they talked about “the baby”. I knew what as happening, but as long as I could be in a different room, I could hide my reactions. When I came back they were getting a game of catch phrase together, like nothing happened. People probably just thought the tacos were going through me quickly. Not sure what is worse, the truth, or people thinking I had diarrhea.

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I am happy for my friend, I am. She got pregnant right away, and that is wonderful. But it doesn’t mean I am ok with all the hoopla around being pregnant and can be a part of the excitement. I’m starting to want to avoid large gatherings because we always seem to end up talking about her pregnancy. Anyone else been there?

xTally

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign

So the past 2 days pregnancy has been seriously all up in my face.

Yesterday when I went in for my scan for my ovulation induction cycle, I saw 3 heavily pregnant women (independent of each other) walking in the parking lot. This is like a 2 min walk. This is a fertility specialty clinic in a business park, there should be no heavily pregnant women there, right? Once you’ve conceived you move on to a normal OBGYN, right? So it’s not like I saw some in Babies-R-Us and thought it was odd. They must work somewhere else in the building, but still, it’s like crossing a black cat. What does it mean to cross 3 pregnant women on your way to your scan? Good luck? Bad omen?

Also, I watch TV online and they have various commercials that cycles through, yesterday every single one was about pregnancy vitamins. Every. Single. One. There were also billboards around town that have recently changed to pregnancy-related topics.

And lastly, a random fashion blogger I follow on Pinterest has been posting maternity clothes like crazy. I’ve got about 10-15 pins on my main screen within a few scrolls. I only follow a few people on Pinterest, so again this is strange.

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Are these signs that it is my turn now? Or just the strange coincidences that life sometimes throws at us? Am I just hyper vigilant about this because of my circumstances? If I saw all these things when AF was in town, I would probably think it was the world trying to hurt me, but because it all happened during this time, when I am really hopeful because I was on Clomid, I am questioning if this is a happy sign. I guess we’ll find out soon enough (well, in about 2+ weeks…)

In the meantime, I’ll keep praying for miracles.

Our stress-free vacation

We are back from our fun vacation on the South Island. If you aren’t familiar with New Zealand, there are 2 main islands, creatively named the North Island and South Island. We live on the North Island and have travelled a lot around there, and a little on the South Island, but this trip was South Island all the way. It was nice to just be with my husband every day with no work to cloud his brain and less baby things in mine. Here are some pictures of us not being stressed!

Milford Sound getting splashed by waterfalls

Milford Sound getting splashed by waterfalls

I went Skydiving!!

I went Skydiving!!

Wine tasting in Marlborough

Wine tasting in Marlborough

At my favorite attraction--street markets!

Me doing my favorite thing to do on trips—shopping at street markets!

At the top of Mt John in Lake Tekapo. What a walk, but what a view!

At the top of Mt John in Lake Tekapo. What a walk, but what a view!

As luck would have it my CD 1 was also vacation day 1. This was actually a nice thing because then on a 10-day vacation I could enjoy some wine and coffee with my mom and aunt.

As I mentioned before, I was on Clomid this month so I will admit I am feeling a little more hopeful than usual. I’d rather have hope and be disappointed then not have hope at all. I am feeling refreshed to fight my battles and win this infertility thing!

xTally

Diary of a Clomid Virgin

For posterity I decided to write down a bit about my experience with Clomid.

My doctor asked us if we would be ok with multiples…uh, yeah! But said 2 is the limit, if there are 3 follicles, we can’t try this month (which would suck!) A nurse went over all the side effects I can expect and she didn’t mention psychosis, attempted suicide or other horrible things I’ve read on the internet so maybe that’s not normal? I thought the internet was always true…

I am happy to say that I really didn’t have any negative side effects. In fact, my husband claims I was happier than normal while taking it. (Disclaimer: I was also on vacation in one of the most beautiful places on earth, so that might have added to my happiness…)

Day 1- I had some mild cramping and headaches, but overall felt great. I was a bit irritable and short with others, but when on vacation with your family (read: my family), that can happen and frankly, should be expected.

Day 2- More mild headaches and cramping. Nothing to write home about, just drank lots of water and I was fine.

Day 3- Went SKYDIVING! Had one issue today that could have been Clomid related, or could have just been me. While trying to get out of a town after taking a wander in the car, we kept missing turns and getting off the grid. My husband (who is an “process before I speak” kind of guy) was supposed to be giving directions but was just not on the ball. I then pulled over, yelled at him and told him to get out and sit in the back seat and that I needed someone “more capable” to sit in the front with me. He says it was the Clomid talking, who knows…

Day 4- No side effects today.

Day 5- A bigger headache today with some pinching in the lower abdomen along with cramping. Could this mean something is starting to happen? I was feeling the pinching on both sides intermittently, but more so on the right.

Now it’s time to wait and see if 50mg was the right dosage!!

Anyone out there who took Clomid for several rounds–did you have the same side effects each time, or were they different each cycle? Hoping maybe I just won’t have bad reactions, since this first round went well, but maybe that is wishful thinking? 🙂

xTally

Update from the doc

This is an update from a few weeks ago, but just now am getting around to posting from vacation:

I finally had my follow up appointment with my doctor to review all my tests and discuss the next steps. In brief, I am now officially a UI (unexplained infertile). My egg reserve is a bit low, but not so much that it affects my ability to get pregnant each month, but may mean they would get fewer eggs if they did IVF. I was worried my low AMH meant “bad eggs”, but she said there is no way to know about egg quality until IVF is done to actually inspect them under microscope, so that makes me feel a little better! I was a little worried she was going to tell me I’ll never get pregnant with my own eggs (I am a worst case scenario person…) Every other test came back “normal”.

So… she recommended a go with Clomid, which I was expecting to be the first step.  As we were to be on vacation the next day, it’s a bit of an unorthodox first time, but she wasn’t concerned. So I took the Clomid while on vacay. You can read about my adventures with Clomid here.

So we’re giving Clomid 2 rounds while in New Zealand, and then will have to start up with a new doc in the US. Hopefully it won’t set us back too far, time wise. Anyone have any suggestions for doctors in Minneapolis?

xTally

Take a vacation… from your problems

Now if you instantly know to which movie I am referring just from the title of my post—you pass. We can be great friends. If you don’t instantly get it, here is your taste of culture for the day (we can still be friends too, just maybe not “let’s get matching tattoos”-kind of friends):

I love this movie, I really do. What About Bob makes me laugh, even after seeing it dozens of times. So many quotes from this movie are so applicable to daily life. No? Not for you? Just me then? Okay. Well this past week and the next 2 weeks are my vacation from my problems (and a real vacation with planes, boats, mountains and beaches!) Hence, the lack of any posts recently.

My mom has been visiting for the past week and today 2 of my aunts came to visit (one welcome, one very much not welcome…) Tomorrow morning we head off for a 10 day trip around the South Island. So I have been MIA and will continue to be for another 10 days. I’m going to drink wine and coffee, eat sweets and maybe even skydive. A vacation from my problems? You bet I will! When I get back I’ll have no job and no visitors, so no reason I can’t get back to regular blogging again.

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Mom and I at my favorite Thai restaurant. I know we don’t look alike—I look like my dad

So until next time, baby steps to the car, baby steps to the plane, baby steps to the winery…

xTally

The Little Things

Over the past few days I’ve been hyper-aware of pregnancies and things that go along with it in my pity party for one. I don’t know if anyone else out there has felt this way before but I feel like in my crazy head everything pregnant women do is a condescending reminder that I’m not good enough to be among them. WARNING: I fully understand that the pregnant women and society have no intention of doing this, it is just evidence to the crazy world that exists in my head.

1. Eating for 2- I have a friend who is pregnant who we always teased because she never ate much and basically pushed food around her plate. Well now, obviously she is trying to eat more. When I’m at her house for prolonged periods of time she will go into the kitchen and make herself a little healthy snack, or have a second helping of whatever we ate for a meal, which she normally would never do. I know she’s just eating, but to me, she’s saying “I’m eating for 2 because I’m pregnant, you’re not, so you don’t get to eat for 2”. I don’t know why, but I get so irritated when I see her eating her “pregnancy snacks”.

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2. Radio Ads- There is one radio ad that plays here about storing cord blood. It plays several times per day and I always hear it a couple time per week depending on how often I’m in the car. The ad has soft lullaby music in the background and a gentle mother-ease voice that says “You’re pregnant! This is the best news in the world…you have an amazing journey in front of you..” Then goes on to tell parents to think ahead and save cord blood for the future. It’s just the opening line that makes me want to throw up. In my crazy head the ad is saying “being pregnant is  be the best thing in the world for a woman to do. But you’re not good enough to get to experience that…”

3. Pregnancy clothes- All the pregnant women around town are dressed in such cute ways, accentuating their bumps. I feel like they’re all saying “look at me, I have a cute belly and you don’t”. I just have this little pudge that I could pretend was a bump if I wore the right clothes?

4. Church seats- We go to the 9am service at church. There are always a lot of kids at the service. There is a naturally segregated seat section where parents sit because it is closest to the door to take them to children’s church and to be found if meltdowns happen. We used to sit over there because our friends sat over there. Lately, I can’t do it, so we sit on the other side of the church. That is where couples without kids, singles or “other” tend to sit, we feel safe over there. There is an infertility group at my church and I notice a lot of them sit there as well. Last week when we went to our usual place, there were 3 pregnant women sitting all around me, some with children already, one with like a 6 month old! With the week I’ve had? Come on! Do you really have to invade our child-free section and gloat about how glowing you are and the miracle growing inside you? Of course then it’s hard to pay attention at church when you have the one thing in your life standing between between you and God, literally standing between you and the speaker? Maybe we need to switch services…

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Note: This is actually a photo of our church and where we sit!

Again, I know these people/things aren’t actually doing anything on purpose and I’m being irrational. I am just feeling crummy lately and when I am sad about something, I’m over-sensitive, (and I know it), but I just don’t care. So maybe now that I’ve got all the little things that bother me down on paper, they won’t bother me anymore?? Maybe? It’s worth a shot.

Blessings,

Tally