So today is CD1 (I think. I get confused as to whether it is the first day you flow, or the first day you wake up flowing–I’ve been told both. Regardless…). Yesterday AF came to visit and it was a really hard day. Both hubby and I had good feelings about this last cycle and I was really let down. I was starting my usual mourning routines of crying, lying in bed, reading infertility blogs and convincing myself I will never get pregnant because I’m broken and my FSH is too high according to all those reliable sources on Google…
I fought with my hubby and just all around was not “the picture of grace” that I try to be most other times. Then, I went to bed, apologized and woke up feeling better. Well, as good as you can feel as your uterus painfully sheds any chance for you to be a mommy for another month.
I didn’t feel up for church (45 min of standing, then 45 min of sitting on uncomfortable chairs) because I get pretty significant joint pain in my whole pelvic girdle during this time of the month and would not make it. So we opted to listen to an online sermon this morning from The Village Church. What was it about? Abortion and the Sanctity of Life Created. Nothing wrong with that and praise God that people are talking about it. But, it included a large portion of time detailing a baby’s growing milestones and how God-filled conception is. Amen. But not really what I needed to hear right now…I know how glorious a baby in the womb is. I just can’t get there, I ache to be there. I had to leave the room and go do laundry and such to keep my mind busy.
Then as I was able to come back to listen to the end of it, I saw a new email in my inbox on my mail app. What was it you ask? This
Facebook decided to personally email me that a girl I went to college with was having a baby, just in case I missed it. This is not a close friend. She is a very nice girl, and I’m so happy she gets to have a family, but why did Facebook think I needed to know about that? To back it up a bit and set the scene, I stopped going on Facebook about 3 months ago. It was just getting too hard when my news feed was full of baby bumps, babies, questions about babies and mom complaining about babies. I had my husband go in and change my password and set it up so if someone sent me a message or wrote on my wall, I could reply, but that was it. No browsing, no posting. Since then, Facebook has tried it’s hardest to get me back online. I get emails all the time from Facebook telling me about everything I missed (Xena’s big dinner last night and Betty’s trip to the Zoo…sorry not news to me). I usually just delete these email and don’t think twice. But really? REALLY? Facebook.You picked today to email me a pregnancy announcement. Poor form. Instead of luring me back, you pushed me almost completely out. I’m not ready to delete my account yet (#militarybrat, #movedallover, #havefriendsineverycontinentthatI’dliketohavecontactinfoforincaseoftravel!), but you’re pushing me to the edge.
I don’t actually use twitter, but like the way hashtags look…
So, what is this all about?Is Mark Zuckerberg out to get me for not buying Facebook stock? Is it the devil taunting me, trying to get me to doubt God for putting me through this trial? Or is it a message from God that his plan is for me to have a baby, so relax and enjoy? Or is it just one of those coincidences in life where you can’t say anything but “Why the face?!?”