I’ve always thought that I was a pretty attractive person. I’m no Sophia Vergara, but I’m not bad! I knew when people looked at me and “checked me out”. This is not meant to be bragging, just to illustrate that emotional toll infertility and hormone problems can take on a previously confident person. Now when someone looks at me for a prolonged period of time, I know its because they’re staring at my skin and probably thinking to themselves “oh that girl could be pretty if she had better skin” or feeling pity for me. My confidence is crushed. I constantly am putting myself down to my husband and I cry almost daily. Small things others say make me completely melt down. Hearing someone with great skin complain about a small pimple. Or that time someone commented on how pretty one of my friends is. Later that night I sobbed thinking that no one is ever going to say that about me anymore. Infertility has really changed my self-perception and self-worth.I know that I should fix my gaze upwards, but it’s hard.
We’ve all felt the jealousy of when others get pregnant easily, and now I have the double doozy of always seeing people who are pregnant and/or pretty and I just see what I could have been and what I want so much.
I just wanted to put this out there in hopes that others who might also feel ugly, fat, useless, unfeminine, [insert your word here] can know that you’re not alone and there is at least one other person who is feeling the same way. I love my husband who always tells me I’m beautiful, even when I don’t believe him. I am trying to turn to scripture to comfort me in my current situation. This verse makes me feel better knowing that God cherishes my heart, not my beauty.
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
1 Peter 3:3-4
I want to do my best to keep this in mind when I’m feeling down about myself. Full disclosure: this will be hard. I find it easier to turn to cookie dough instead. I guess that’s what this is all about–finding my way and learning to trust the Lord. Any prayers for me to accept this and see my true beauty are appreciated!!