As we approached the one-year mark I noticed that I was going through a bit of a funk. As more and more people I know were getting pregnant “without even trying” I noticed I started to pull away. With each pregnancy announcement I felt more and more like crawling into a cave and not talking any more. That started a few months ago.
I found more and more that I just didn’t want to talk about things to do with my fertility, or lack there of, with friends and family–when before I actually liked talking about all the details with my mom, sister and close friends. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. I understand that it is probably very confusing for my loved ones (just last month I was talking all about my cervical mucous), but that is just how I felt. Sometimes I’ll talk to you about it, other times if you ask me how it’s going I just want to shake you, sorry. It can vary within the hour.
I’d seriously contemplated actually avoiding pregnant people for a while, just to help myself get through the holidays and the next few months of transitioning from having difficulty conceiving to the big “I” word. I know it is important to guard your heart– sometimes it can only be done by imperfect means. At the time my husband told me that I shouldn’t do that. He told me that I was “crazy” for thinking that was the solution to my problems. I think he had good intentions in saying that, but you can only imagine how I reacted to that!
Now that the holidays are over, I realized that I got through them. I didn’t avoid the people I was hoping to avoid (I guess I forgot to?), but it all worked out anyways. I am actually starting to come through my funk a bit (the blog is helping) and am starting to be able to talk to people who previously I hoped didn’t call me or email to catch up. As you saw in my last post, I actually started praying for those who are recently pregnant and trying to become pregnant.
Infertility can be incredibly odd time where you are surrounded by people, but still feel lonely. The quote from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner comes to mind: “water, water, everywhere, nor any drop to drink”. You can have people all around you- husband, friends, family, but still feel as though you are all alone in the world. You feel like nobody understands your pain. Their “I can relate story” of something hard they went through feels like a slap in the face compared to the longing pain you’ve been going through every day of the past year.
This feeling is one of the reasons I started reading infertility blogs and later started my own–to feel like there is a community of people out there just like me, with feelings just like mine, no matter how crazy or unfounded they may seem. I’m just getting started in this blogging thing, so hopefully I’ll continue to ‘meet’ people I can relate to!